Greetings, salutations, and welcome to another edition of the Linn-Benton Backwash. I’m your host, Sam Campbell, and I’m here to do my best to pretend that there is interesting stuff going on around here, before inevitably having to fall back on discussing crime in order to not bore myself to tears. Now, I know what you’re gonna say… “But Sam, what about all of the great non-profit kinda community action kinda organic stuff happening?” Pffft. Nobody wants to hear about that. I mean holy crap, just look at the rest of this paper. #snooze alert. I know you. You want details, you want intrigue…
…you want to know that a week and some change ago somebody found a bag full of barfed up hair in their yard. You want to know that some dingdong got caught in Albany stealing from old people.
You want to know that one of those Play Corvallis, Play pianos around town rolled down the sidewalk and crushed someone (thankfully that didn’t happen, you sick bastard).
You want to know that the local news cycle is so damn slow, people are actually reporting on new gas stations opening. And now I’m reporting on that. And now I need to rethink my place in the Universe.
Most of all, you want to know that there’s a mysterious garbage smell floating around Albany as soon as you enter city limits via I5, and that if you’ve got no air conditioning in the car, you better just roll up the damn windows and sweat it out because that’s better than coating your lung doodads with whatever is floating through the atmosphere. And no, it isn’t coming from the McDonald’s. I checked. It’s bad, though. It registered as “1/3 of the Orlando airport” on my Smell-O-Meter.
Actually, just thinking about it has made me nauseous, so I’m going to go lay down until next week.
Linn-Benton Backwash is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and a dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.
By Sam Campbell