Linn-Benton Backwash

Everyone’s favorite friendly local Benton County Rodeo had a mishap of sorts the other day…when a motorcycle on a merry-go-round thing (only with motorcycles) flew off its mount and injured a toddler (who went to the hospital, but seems to be alright). Don’t worry though, no animals were hurt, abused, or otherwise conscripted against their will for entertainment…in relation to the merry-go-round. Hey now, I know what you’re thinking, but I’m not an activist. Just someone who looked at all of the pictures of grown as* men jamming their knees up under calves, flipping them over, tying them up, and then walking off with a smile and their tongue hanging out of their mouth.

Personally, just so you know, I’m the biggest meat eater there is. Once I snatched a possum out of my daddy’s woodpile and gobbled that sucker up whole, fur and all. Slurped the tail down like a big ‘ol spaghetti noodle.

Yum!

In other news, the Jamboree happened. Yeah. The Gazette Times quoted one enthusiastic attendee as saying something about how she touched Carrie Underwood the previous year. Ooooookay. Because that’s not creepy. All that country music seems bad enough, but nobody said you were expected to make physical contact with American Idol winners. Hell, I’d rather make physical contact with Steve Schultz, and I’ve got no idea where he’s been. Total bacterial crapshoot.

In other other news, Guitars Under the Stars was back in Lebanon after a couple-year hiatus, and so far all of my sister-cousins and uncle-grandpas out in the area have reported in that it totally kicked as*. This comes as no surprise, considering UNLEASH THE *&#!#@ ARCHERS were there! And I missed it, oh lord, I missed it.

This is when a bunch of people in robes walk me through the streets naked shouting: “SHAME!”, and ringing little bells.

Linn-Benton Backwash is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and a dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.

By Sam Campbell

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