Linn-Benton Backwash

Well, I’ve got good news…and I’ve got bad news.

First, the good. You know that police department lip syncing challenge that has been going on? It’s a real thing, I promise. And the Sweet Home pokies nailed it with a cover of Enrique Iglesias’ smash hit…uh…I don’t know what it’s called. I don’t listen to that crap. But anyway, they’ve got it all. Emotion. Comical crosstalk. A singing dog (yep), a singing perp, and a dramatic scene in the “rain.” If more law enforcement would get in on this kind of thing, it might be a hell of a lot easier to remember that we’re all human, and go towards improving copper vs. community relationships. And I’ll be hornswaggled if we don’t need a sh*tload of that all up in our faces right now. If you’d like to see the video, just use this following thingymajig: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f5ay4Sksvco, or search “Sweet Home Police Department Lip Sync Challenge 2018” on YouTube.

And now for the bad. You remember Paul Cauthorn, right? He was one of the candidates for county commissioner back in 2016 that made it out for a low-attendance Gazette Times sponsored debate, but couldn’t be bothered to face a larger crowd at the League of Women Voters. Along with Jerry Jackson, the two also conveniently skipped the City Club open forum a month prior. Personally, I don’t blame him. The crowds there likely wouldn’t take too kindly to a transphobic turd. Oh my, did I just say that?

Hah, I’m sorry. Silly me. Though, maybe it was because Cauthorn was booted out of the Facebook group Corvallis People V2 the other day for making the following disgusting statement: “Hilarious! Nice try, but when someone is born with a penis they are never going to be woman. If I were to identify as a squirrel, that wouldn’t make me a squirrel. It would make me mentally ill and delusional.”

Oh Paul. It’s a good thing that you were just joking, or else you might have sounded like a heartless, hateful, scientifically bereft douchebag there. Right?

Linn-Benton Backwash is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and a dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.

 

By Sam Campbell

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