Linn-Benton Backwash

It’s graduation time in the valley, and you know what that means! It actually doesn’t mean a whole hell of a lot, but when you live around here, you learn to feign excitement. This year Oregon State University graduated some number of people, as did high schools, and some elementary schools… but only the dorky ones that “graduate” you from 5th grade or whatever. Damn entitled millennials and their competitor’s trophies. No wonder America is going right down the sh*tter. OH GREAT ORANGE LEADER, DELIVER US FROM THIS MAYHEM!!! I’m kidding of course. I wouldn’t trust Donald Trump to deliver a pizza.

Anyhow… out in Sweet Home some lady called the cops on her neighbor, claiming the neighbor was casting “voodoo” spells and wanted to shoot her daughter. The cops arriving on the scene found the neighbor drunk. Alrighty then.

Lebanon’s Jason Allen Garlinghouse was sentenced last week to life in prison with the possibility of parole after having been convicted of killing his wife a few months back. Somehow this means 25 years with the possibility of parole. Since he’s 35 that puts him out, best case, when he’s 60. Have a nice stay, turd. Don’t eat the meatloaf.

Since we’re on the subject of Lebanon, I’ll leave you with a bit of an apology. A few weeks ago I called children watching the Strawberry Parade “turds in strollers,” or something along those lines. My statement was factually incorrect. They’re not turds… a 40 lb turd would kill you. Not even on its way out, but just in general. That’s huge. Huge.

Linn-Benton Backwash is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.

 

By Sam Campbell
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