Linn-Benton Backwash

Good news everybody, the proposed Porter Park mobile phone tower project is dead! Now we can all rest assured that our brains won’t be turned to sludge by its evil space rays. Though the 43 minutes of CSI we keep watching every week is still a clear and present danger. Seriously, don’t watch that sh*t. What is wrong with you?

Speaking of, Corvallis has received a new set of stormwater regulations that would threaten to bore the hell out of you if I repeated them. That said, let’s hope there’s something in there that will prevent us from dumping thirty-something million gallons of buttwater into the Willamette again. March 14, 2017. The day the river died.

By the way, it’s nearly swimming season! You’ll want to read this article—http://livehealthy.chron.com/type-swimming-works-out-butt-8433.html. Proper flexing is necessary to keep out the carnivorous protozoans.

For something out there beyond Corvallis… hmmm. Just your regular sex crimes, minor sports victories, and welfare fraud. Meh. Maybe next week someone will steal a case of Coors from the Lebanon Walmart? I supposed we can only hope.

However, I will leave you with a little bit of, shall we say, public outreach: are you the person that grabbed someone’s wheelchair, lifted it, then dropped it while they were sitting in it at The Corvallis Clinic last week? Congratulations! You are a supermassive cosmic turd, the likes of which light cannot even escape.

Linn-Benton Backwash is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.

By Sam Campbell

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