Linn-Benton Backwash

What a  sh*tty week. They don’t even make an emoji for it, so I’m going to have to go old school:

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Yep, its an “emoticon.” Deal with it.

So as I’m sure you already know, three teenage buttholes supposedly passed around a stolen gun at Lebanon High School last Friday, prompting a city wide school lockdown. This eventually led to the arrest of said buttholes on a handful of charges, though at the time of writing there isn’t much more information to go on. Police did recover the gun, which was unloaded, inside of a house later that day. I don’t even know what to say, besides how glad I am that nobody was hurt.

During all of the chaos, Jason Garlinghouse’s murder trial was put on pause, which had just begun two days prior. In court it came out that his wife, who he is accused of murdering, captured her own murder on her mobile phone. Even though he was basically caught shooting her without any provocation, sitting in silence for a while, and then calling 911 to accuse her of attacking him, he’s still going for the “she came at me” defense. Good luck with that, dude. I suggest the first thing you buy in prison is a nice pair of sandals, because standard issue sucks.

Corvallis didn’t fare much better, as some guy had a court appearance last week for child pornography charges stemming from events in 2016. The accused claims total innocence and his lawyer was all like “We don’t know why the eff he is being charged.” I guess we’ll see.

There really isn’t any good news to spread. I guess at least the heat subsided? I finally tossed out some of my holey socks?

Linn-Benton Backwash is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.

 

By Sam Campbell

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