Linn-Benton Backwash

I was complaining (yet again) last week that Corvallis never has anything interesting going on in the crime department, but apparently, I missed something rather amusing that went down on the 2nd. Picture this: you’re in Jimmy John’s. People are preparing really gross sandwiches… maybe, maybe not touching things they shouldn’t, and then touching food without washing their hands. Hey, I dunno. It happens. Next thing you know, a call comes in.

“Hello there, manager sir. I am from corporate headquarters and such. Your employees have been caught doing bad stuff. Give me a solid grand in gift cards so I can deposit the stolen amount back into the corporate account. All will be well, then! Because this totally doesn’t not make sense.”

So, the manager goes and gets the cards, which is frankly kinda bonkers, but they eventually get shut down by another Jimmy-John’er before they could be abused by the scammer. And it’s just like… wowza. If that nearly worked, can you imagine how profitable an even remotely believable scam would go over? Sh*t, I’m in the wrong business!

To put things further into perspective: while all this was going on, Jimmy John himself was probably off on some African safari shooting baby elephants in the face from the back seat of a hovercraft, while two personal assistants rubbed sticks of butter all over his naked baby-flesh.

Uh. Some other stuff happened around here, but it’s kind of hard to follow that last sentence up with anything.

Linn-Benton Backwash is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.

By Johnny Beaver

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