Linn-Benton Backwash

I love the smell of a collapsed building in the morning – as long as I’m not like, in it and stuff. Anyway, you probably heard about the floor collapsing over at the under-construction, OSU Peavy Forest Science Center earlier this month. Something about some kind of specially made laminate wood material being used that’s supposed to be rad, but came apart and tumbled all over the place. Details, schmeetails. The hot topic is that an outside contractor has been called in to figure out what happened, so fingers can be properly pointed. All I know is that A. Nobody got hurt, and B. I didn’t do it… so you just do you, contractors.

The only real crime of note in Corvallis over the last week was some dude setting his couch on fire in a field near the Home Depot a few days ago. Which, I mean, points for fire and for using a couch, but meh. Seriously people, can nobody get naked and go whizzing about downtown, holding sparklers on a pair of rollerskates? As was made clear in the previous paragraph, I don’t want anybody to get hurt… but, I do need some decent clay for my sculptures, if you know what I mean.

While technically not a crime, the Corvallis Police Department has issued a warning to locals about feeding Art Robinson, and walking around without closed-heel shoes on. He has made a number of appearances over the last few weeks, popping his head up out of the sewer drains and flicking his tongue around all willy-nilly. We’re all just kind of hoping that he’ll get hungry enough to go back to Eugene and bother those hippies instead.

Linn-Benton Backwash is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.

By Johnny Beaver

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