Wooooah f*ckin’ nelly! Or at least that’s the phrase I feel is most appropriate here. The Oregon State University College Republicans – a lovely bunch of coconuts – are going ahead with their traditional gun raffle. A pretty goofy affair to begin with, many feel it seems a little callous considering what just happened in Parkland. Then again, playing devil’s advocate here, I guess kids are just getting shot up all the time now, so maybe it doesn’t matter anymore? According to the Gazette Times, the president of the group declared their organization as just the “middle man” in the affair, stating that they never actually possess the weapon. Ooooh! That makes all the difference, now doesn’t it? And instead of an AR-15, they’re giving away a bolt action rifle… you know, to jack up the sensitivity level. Yes, that’s really how their brains work. Hey though, let’s get real. People who feel as we do probably just don’t understand guns. Their sentiment, not mine.
Seriously, let me buy you folks some jello shots. I bet you’re super fun at parties.
Significantly less stupid, a woman was caught putting threatening notes on peoples’ cars for speeding in her neighborhood. That might not be stupid at all if she didn’t A. Pull an Oswalt, and B. Threaten to like… hurt them. We here at The Advocate advocate for like, calling the cops and stuff. Only that hasn’t seemed to stop people from turning into the wrong lane going left off of 9th onto Van Buren. Seriously, get on that sh*t.
Last but not least, this week Corvallisites go for the hat trick with public works employee Richard Knudson, who was just busted on over forty counts of sex abuse relating to incidents with a teenage girl. Wonderful.
Backwash Bonus: Oswalt’s landlord has filed a complaint against him that may lead to eviction as a result of his general douchiness. Imagine Nelson from The Simpsons doing his signature laugh here.
By Johnny Beaver