Linn-Benton Backwash

A small, private plane was forced to land in a field near Corvallis last week due to engine trouble, and apparently it was no big deal. So… eh. If we can’t even make an emergency landing interesting, I’m either going to have to find another douche-bag white supremacist to prove Aryan superiority via petty vandalism, or just go gonzo and start making some news myself. Seriously folks, I’m prepared to drop my drawers and pull a runner. Why can’t our city government make a rap about how a bill becomes a law?

Now, Sweet Home, they know how to do news. Some guy named Tyler Lanz just got a six-year sentence for strangling his girlfriend last month with a belt before driving out to Brownsville and attempting to drown her in the Calapooia river. But that’s not all! He also drugged her later that day. In court, Lanz talked about how he was only trying to put “fear” in her. Dude has priors going back over a decade, and it’s just like… only six years? Not to mention the fact that he should have been charged with: Looking Like A Giant Butthole. Oh well.

Also in Sweet Home, one Corey Ford was just charged with some stuff related to the robbery of Spoleto’s Pizzeria & Wine Shop back in November. This comes after already being flimflammed over a bunch of charges related to other incidents, including identity theft and eluding police in a high-speed chase. Worth it? I’m guessing not. If the mug shot is correct, I see a very regretful cabbage patch kid. Apparently only $100 was stolen from the pizza place.

To end on a positive note, reporting by the Lebanon Express has stated that downtown Lebanon isn’t being forgotten, and highlights how development is promptly featured in the town’s 2040 outlook. This is a little bit funny, considering the extreme neglect it has felt over the years, but I for one am happy to see all the badas* businesses out there flourishing and getting the help they deserve. Let’s just all pray that the increase in things to do and prospects for the locals doesn’t result in a loss of bizarre crime. I’m not sure what we’d do without all of the grocery-store-parking-lot, contempt-of-court arrests and middle-of-the-street, drunken machete wielders.

By Johnny Beaver

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