You remember Andrew Oswalt, right? The guy that knows all about ad hominem attacks (or at least he does now…)? Unsurprisingly, he was released on bond last week. Or bail. Not sure which word is appropriate when. Don’t judge me, I’m only a casual Law & Order fan. Anyway, he’s free, and by that I mean he’s probably currently wearing a bush or something so he can creep around town without being noticed. At least that’s what I’d be doing, but I’d actually be ashamed of myself. Taking that into account, who knows what the guy is up to. Better yet, who even gives a sh*t?
Well, let’s pretend we do! My guess is that he’s on the couch in a pair of stained tighty-whities, playing EA Sports Madden 42 or something, and downing Monster Energy drinks.
What’s your best guess? Fill out the next line and send us in a photo, or upload it to Facebook. Oswalt could be our very own, Kim Kardashian. Only way whiter, of course.
Elsewhere in the city, Corvallis officials have declared an official appeal of the whole “dumping millions of gallons of poo-water in the Willamette,” thing. This is an unprecedented move for the city, and so far, their comments have gone a little like this: “We are appealing. We can’t say why. This is probably because we’ve filed for appeal and are still not sure exactly what the appeal will be based on.” That’s cool. Honestly, I can’t wait to see how they’re going to try to explain away this one. It’s not super unlike someone going to court for theft and pleading not guilty while covered in that exploding security ink. Only, this ain’t ink. It’s turds.
Over in Lebanon, the big story of the week was about how the newish K-9 cop visited the senior center. Normally I’d make fun of that, but over here we’re still talking about that tool Oswalt, so I guess they have us beat. Also, some guy was tased by police last Tuesday in downtown Lebanon for freaking out and whatnot, and that’s awesome, too. I hit myself with a stun gun once to see what would happen and it really sucked, but that’s nothing compared to being shot with barbs and then zapped. Good times.
By Johnny Beaver