As the State Turns

PDX Blanket Fort Fail
If you know anything about me, then you’ll know that I once was doing drunken karate with a broomstick and took out a bulb in my parents’ garage. It exploded and scared the sh*t out of me. But perhaps more relevant to what I’m trying to segue into, I’ve always been into blanket forts. And that’s why I’m pissed off about the tragedy that was the recent “World’s Largest Blanket Fort Party” in Portland.

Put on at the Oregon Convention Center by one Murderboat Productions and something or someone else called Rumpl (minus the estiltskin, I guess), the event looked more like one of those raves where you’re supposed to wear diapers and suck on pacifiers and stuff than anything resembling a legitimate blanket fort. Last I checked, the forts of old didn’t come with lasers, DJs, or some dork hipster in a panda helmet. There were also a few activity stations, with coloring books and paper puppet crafting and all that sorta “this is what childhood is like” by people who clearly can’t remember being a child kinda stuff. You know, all of the crap that you would never do in a blanket fort in a million years.

My favorite had to be the “THE FLOOR IS LAVA! WATCH OUT!” room, though. First of all, if the floor is indeed lava, you don’t need a f*cking sign. And second, please, for the love of all that is holy, stop talking about floors being lava, people. Everybody is doing it right now, and it sounds super dumb. We’re just one mouse fart away from seeing this on a t-shirt in Target, and I feel like it has already been soul-crushing enough to see all of you turds walking around in your NASA gear.

The only thing they got right was actually having a portion of the day open to all ages. Only no, because they probably wound up corrupting the natural blanket fort tendencies of the children who attended, and now the world is going to end.

THANKS OBAMA.

Trouble at the Grange
The 150-year-old Hillsboro Grange, that is. Last summer, some citizens were concerned that their ancient nonprofit, nonpartisan order had been taken over by some anti-government yahoos, so they applied for membership. I guess to get in there and see what’s up? Seems a little roundabout to me, but anyway.

Fast forward a month and every single one of these folks — twenty-five of them — were rejected for membership after a series of interviews and other pokin’ n’ proddin’. Why? Nobody knows. And I mean that literally. Like, nobody told them why they were rejected.

Now definitely believing some funny business to be afoot, they noticed that the application of one Ronald Vrooman was accepted. Vrooman refers to himself as a “sovereign citizen,” which is just a fancy term for an anti-government nutjob who believes he is not subject to our laws. You may be thinking to yourself, “where have I heard that name before…” and the answer would be: this buttplug has been around for a bit. When he wasn’t showing up at Ammon Bundy’s Malheur trial to mouth off in court, he has been busy writing letters, like one to The Oregonian in which he referred to electing a female Muslim to Congress as “repugnant,” and that Rashida Talib needed to be ejected from office and deported or imprisoned. Of course, there was also that time in 2014 when he trespassed from Beaverton High School while carrying a gun (he had a permit, but wtf?), or the time in 2017 when he was busted for driving without a license, claiming that he didn’t need one.

My first thought about coming across all of this was: well, why doesn’t the state Grange get involved and eject this loser? As it turns out, they did get involved, but basically did nothing. According to The Oregonian, Carol Everman, some kind of state Grange bigwig, said “[Vrooman] has a different viewpoint of the world than I do, but that’s kind of the point of the lecturer program, so other people can be exposed to other points of view. … He’s allowed to express his opinion, and it seems to me that a group of people has decided that they need to run him out because his opinion does not agree with theirs, and that’s not my understanding of how this country or this grange is supposed to work.”

Well gee whiz, that was sure helpful! In the meantime, I guess this community resource can just go to hell.

At Least There’s This
Some lady tried to steal a bunch of stuff from a Walmart near Troutdale during a police toy drive, and needless to say, she didn’t make it out of there because… cops. She was from Gresham, believe it or not (you believe it).

Thank heavens for small comedies, I guess.

As the State Turns is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.

By Sam Campbell

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