As the State Turns

In Your Face!
20-year-old Awasioeth Reity Epenrosa is in a wee bit of trouble. As part of a rambunctious group of youngsters, some Portland transit police approached them to shut the party down, firing off some pepper spray. Epenrosa’s response? He punched a cop in the face and then ran away, just to get caught a block down the road. It’s like uh, if you’re going to make a silly dummy dumb-dumb move, you better be sure you can run faster than that.

Basically, the dude is now in jail. And it just so happens that he already had a theft and felony burglary charge against him, so… he’s screwed. Sucks to suck, bro.

On the Plus Side…
Oregon State Police announced last week that they had cleared their crazy 5,600+ backlog of rape kits, which is a pretty great accomplishment – though they probably shouldn’t have had a backlog to begin with. This process was helped along by $1.9 million in grants, which would pretty much help along damn near anything. For instance, if I had $1.9 million in grants, I’d be much further down the road to death by burrito poisoning. I’d also have a triceratops that can roller skate, but that’s a tale for another day.

Car-Jacker Has Nicotine Fit
Some turd with a gun car-jacked a guy in Portland last week and made him drive to a gas station. Once there he was ordered to go in and buy him a pack of cigarettes, which he did. However, upon coming back to the car, the turd cold-cocked him, fired off a shot, and then drove off. Cops are now looking for him (I can’t imagine why), and have described him as a scruffy turd in a red Ford Expedition. Only, they may have left the “turd” part out. I dunno, I’m not going to go look it up again. Got places to go, people to see, etc.

Kaiser Pee-manente
Oh yes, you read that right. Because Johnny Tuck Chee Chan (an awesome name if I ever heard one), Pharmacist extraordinaire, just took an indictment to the face for 71 counts of Bad Stuff. What the hell could he have done? Well, Captain Underpants here installed a camera in the bathroom so he could check out their junk. A child was caught on camera as well, leading to child pornography charges.

Chan worked at a Northeast Portland Kaiser Pee-manente location and made the recordings between 2016 and 2017. Here in a little bit he’ll be relocating to a prison, where his dreams of being a big-time filmmaker will probably not be as well received. What can I say, everybody’s a critic.

Oregon Weather Update
It is really cold at 4 a.m. To remain safe, you should stay indoors and go back to bed. But not before getting the aerosol whipped cream out of the fridge and spraying it directly into your mouth.

Oregonians Sure Do Love
Their Mushrooms
And we’re now a little bit closer to being able to legally eat the magic ones. Apparently, our attorney general has “approved language” for a measure that could lead to their legality, whatever the hell that means. The measure calls to reduce criminal penalties for all sorts of dilly-dallying about with psilocybin (the chemical that puts the “magic” in magic mushrooms). It will only need 140,000 signatures to get on the ballot for 2020. Clearly, it’ll get the 140,000, because Oregon. But we’ll have to wait quite a bit longer to see where it goes from there.

Personally, I hope it goes to research. There’s a lot of total bullsh*t on both sides, and I’m allergic. To bullsh*t. I ate shrooms once and was fine.

Right up until the existential meltdown and subsequent three-hour panic attack.

Kate Brown’s Liquor Tax
Hidden right there in her budget is a tax on liquor sales, which is hoped to raise over $20 million annually… ish. For shame! Behind Washington, Oregon already has the second highest booze tax in the country. You’re killing us, smalls! Tax something else, like maybe those shoes with Bluetooth speakers in them the Walmart’s that are trying to offload, or even better: Glade Plugins. The people who buy those things deserve to be punished.

Just stop screwing with our alcohol, damnit. We need that. For life.

As the State Turns is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.

By Sam Campbell
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