As the State Turns

We Three Buttholes of I-205
Justin J. Jones, Antonio R. Tolman-Duran, and Dakota E. Murphy. Why should we know these names? Because these three turds were arrested last week for booby trapping a multi-use trail near Division Street in Portland, yay!

But just you wait one hot second… What kind of a trap does it take three obvious geniuses to employ?

Prepared to be shocked: they strung a string (of some sort) across the pathway.

Diabolical! This ought to be fun to explain to a judge.

Hashtag Sad Face
Poor, poor Ammon Bundy. In a reflective interview recently posted on OregonLive, he was prominently quoted as saying “Life has never, ever been the same” after the Malheur occupation. Boo f*cking hoo, butthole. Waxing poetic about his desire for a fair government, the Bundy of Bundies rambles on about the threat to his way of life, and how his actions were about survival rather than starting a movement. Sure. That makes total sense with everything you’ve done! Including your continuing support of this kind of shenaniganry on the radio and anywhere else they’ll have you.

While we can all understand what it’s like to watch the industry upon which you base your livelihood melt away… well, actually a lot of us are poor, so we can’t do that, but… there’s sympathy, okay? It sucks that you can’t steal grass that isn’t yours to feed your cattle that you then make money off of. We understand! …

…right up until the point where you start having violent clashes with the government, kicking dogs, and then hauling your douchebag family and a gaggle of fanatics up to another state where literally nobody wants you, including the people you say you’re going in support of. It also kind of crosses a line when you dig a big-as* hole and dump in it for five weeks because that’s just freakin’ gross. Seriously, we care less about the insane amount of damage you did to the federal building than we do about what aliens might think of us if they had come down for the first time and saw your white exhaust port blowing one out.

But hey, playing devil’s advocate here, your cause was definitely way more important than the wellbeing of Malheur residents. They should totally have just sucked it up when a bunch of gun-toting crazy people rolled up and started importing dildos.

Great News, Everybody! Only Not
The Backstreet Boys apparently ran out of money a few years back and have been furiously fapping away at a career revival, which Oregon residents are super lucky to be a part of! That’s right, Backstreets’… Backstreets… I don’t know where to put that comment…. anyway, those guys are Back. Alright? Only no, because they suck. Good lord are they bad. Some of you may counter this by saying something to the effect of “well, they’re going to sell out the Moda center, what have YOU done?” I have two responses already prepared:

• I’ve seen enough people riding those scooters around town that I have no doubt there are enough gooftroopers around to fill the Moda center.

• I dunno what I’ve done, but I can tell you what I haven’t done: make any boy music and still dance and sing along when I’m old AF.

You’re welcome.

Overachiever Elected Mayor, Makes Me Look Bad
Ben Simmons,18, just became the mayor of Yoncalla, OR. Sure, we didn’t know that place existed, but the tale gets even more impressive when you find out that he was valedictorian in his high school graduating class just last Spring, is attending Umpqua Community College, and is also a volunteer firefighter.

It’s like, dammit. Dude. Now I look stupid as hell. When I was 18, I still had to write L and R on my shoes, and couldn’t make a sandwich.

Granted, his plan to turn things around for the town in just two years will probably not pan out, so… hah. In your face, in the future, Simmons.

In the meantime, congratulations. You kick that job’s as*, buddy.

Well, It’s Something
Alex Hostetler, fresh off passing the bar exam earlier this year, found himself researching betta fish after becoming interested in getting one. Coming across the numerous, clear, and obvious facts, he realized that those tiny tanks they keep them in are incredibly, unequivocally F*CKED UP. He’s now acting in his lawyering capacity in support of a class action lawsuit against Aqueon, Petco, and Rolf C. Hagen Inc. Marina Aquarium Products. These manufacturers produce some of those little tubs you see the fish dying in when you go to get your cat food. The suit wants to force them to use one-and-a-half gallon tanks as a minimum.

While this is a great move, they don’t seem to be acknowledging two facts: bettas need more than 1.5 gallons, and tanks that small are notoriously difficult to keep cycled (ie. healthy). Petsmart, who is also pretty f*cked up, says right on its website that they need three to five gallons minimum, yet sells one-gallon tanks in the same breath.

Ever had a goldfish? Ever realized they’re cold water animals, therefore unable to coexist with tropical fish, and require about 20 to 30 gallons each? Probably not. In order to maintain their disposable status, your friendly pet store chains do their best to tell you nothing useful.

The fish trade is messed up. While lawsuits like this never go far enough, they definitely need your support.

As the State Turns is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.

By Sam Campbell