As the State Turns

Oregon Guy Regrets Stuff, Nobody Knows Why
If you don’t know who Ron Brake is, let’s hope you never have to find out. I guess that will largely depend on how election day goes, which was two days ago… and… do you have any idea how hard it is to write for a weekly staggered around a damn election? It’s silly.

Anyway, Ron Brake is one of the bigwigs behind Measure 103, otherwise known as the “poor people tax,” or grocery tax. Turns out he’s not feeling so great about the whole thing, having been quoted by Oregon Public Broadcasting (OPB) as telling people at the Oregon Food Bank (in a private email… oops) that the poopwits which have run away with the measure have “twisted its meanings in directions that I could not have imagined.” Uh, really, though? Couldn’t imagine? Well, what the hell happened last week then, I’ve got to ask, because that Monday he was all like “Yay! Kill ‘em!” in another email, but by the end of the week, he was getting all emo. Hmm, what the hell happened indeed… wait… could it be… no…. nooooo. Brake was elected chairman of the board of the Oregon Food Bank last Wednesday.

*clouds part, the sun comes out, birds and sh*t fly around*

Eh, whatever. This whole thing was a nasty fight, and I hope as you’re reading this you can be like “well, it’s a good thing I don’t care anymore because 103 fell on its as*.” And if it did somehow pass, uh… well, we’ll just have to talk about that next week.

PPS Slapped With Assault Lawsuits
Two paraeducators (teachers who work with special needs children) have filed a nearly one million dollar suit against Portland Public Schools, describing a pretty harrowing situation that they faced while employed at Woodland Elementary on 11 Ave. Their suit describes being abused by students who bit, choked, punched, kicked, and urinated on them – at times even grabbing their breasts and sticking their hands down their pants. As they put it, despite numerous requests, the school did absolutely nothing to help curtail the scenario and protect them from the violence. Students regularly assaulted them, sometimes in relation to their escape attempt. An article at OregonLive states that at one point one of the plaintiffs (Joyce Moore and Virginia Ferrer-Burgett) had to prevent a child from jumping over a railing while trying to get out of the school.

Being real for a moment, these are troubled kids. These educators know this, and despite most of the morons commenting on the OregonLive boards, with all of their “herp derp liberals!” nonsense, the lawsuit here is about the toll taken on these workers as a result of the school district crapping their responsibilities down the toilet. When you’ve got a classroom that’s disrupted every day of the week due to violent behavioral issues, who would you call responsible? That’s for the court to decide, but this is how it reads to me. Also, it’s the school. Seriously, it’s them. Because they’re the school.

Though the suit mentions sexual assault, the plaintiff’s attorney, Rebecca Cambreleng, states that they don’t believe the attacks were sexual in nature, but merely an expression of frustration.

Cambreleng is also representing another paraeducator, this time in Beaverton, who is suing the Beaverton School District for a similar matter to the tune of $504,000. In this case, the educator in question reports several ignored sexual assaults by a student, including students, himself, and other teachers as victims. In this case, administrators are accused of dismissing the events without action for two years.

Coyote Attack in PDX
A seven-year-old girl was bitten in her home driveway last week by a freakin’ wild coyote’s craggy teeth. 

One time, I was in Wyoming getting a pizza and there was a coyote hanging out and so I didn’t want to get out of the car and get the pizza, but I did because I was hungry. It looked pretty damn hungry too, like it wanted that pizza, but maybe it wanted me instead. It could have been using the pizza as a distraction, to make me think it wanted the pizza, but it was after my meat. But it was my last $5, so no way. My pizza. I ate all of it but one slice in about five minutes, and then stared at that &*%@! slice all the way to the Oregon border before I got desperate and ate it.

The little girl is being checked for rabies, but other than that she’s okay. 

As the State Turns is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.

By Sam Campbell

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