As the State Turns

PDX Gun Do’s n’ Don’ts
Portland, the only real sign of civilization in this entire state. How do I know? Unaffordable housing, a growing homeless population, and an increase in violence. None of which are weird on a planet with so many resources and technological wonders. 

In terms of item three, one of the standout features — besides short shorts and helmets vs. children’s paintball gear and Nazism — are guns. It seems like every other day someone is getting shot, and you’ve got to wonder… how can I legally carry one of those around all willy-nilly? Well, you’re in luck! Because I’ve got here a list of all the stuff you can’t do with a gun unless you want to face criminal prosecution and/or viral status on social media.

• Shoot it at people or animals or on public/private property or anything else.

• Set it on the counter when you go to the bank to get a rent check.

• Keep it on your belt loop right next to that cool lighter that looks like a gun, and then try to light a spliff or whatever.

• Swing it around with your pants around your ankles, screaming about peanut butter.

• Swing your pants around with your gun in peanut butter.

• Park your Nissan ‘Merica truck on the roof of a building like a stupid, dumbas* dork and then hang out near it with your guns. After all, you’ve got to defend freedom when the liberal mob is out for blood. Nevermind, that’s allowed.

• Climb on top of a city bus in a chicken suit — while packing heat — and then jump into the Willamette River when it goes over a bridge. Then swallow water and get a brain parasite.

I guess that escalated quickly, but uh… have fun, kids! Pew pew pew pew!

Election Fever
Due to the face you’ve likely either been pummeled or pummeled yourself with it, I’m here to give you a couple of sentences void of any mention of it. Damnit, nevermind. I’m sorry, I screwed up. At least in a few weeks we’ll be resting in Knute Beuhler’s warm bosom. Prepare for some serious snugglin’, Corvallisins. We’re gonna get all up in that bosom, and roll around in the millions of bucks pooped out by Phil Knight.

Beaverton Student Makes Us All Feel Dumb
Nope, not a fan of Pratik Vangal. Not because he’s a genius and invented a way to make air cleaner for rural housing in India, which has been plagued by smoke and all sorts of other stuff… er, no, wait. That’s exactly why I’m not a fan. He came up with this contraption when he was an eighth grader, and is set to possibly win a ton of money for it in a national contest… meanwhile, I’m in my mid-thirties and can barely tie my shoes.

From what I can gather, he slapped together some solar wafers and fans yanked from junked computers in some kind of 1980s-style cinematic montage, and then everyone was like “hot damn,” and here we are. Did I mention he’s from Beaverton? No? Oh well, like I said… barely getting my shoes tied over here.

In my defense, I did invent something once. The “infinity plus one on top of whatever you say forever.” It’s unbeatable unless you’re a master of quantum mechanics, in which case you’re probably not screwing around with this sort of thing anyways. Either way, I wrecked my elementary school. Those dumb buttholes didn’t know what hit them.

“Oh yeah, well infinity plus one on top of whatever you say forever!”

Losers. Clearly, because I said it first, the plus one goes on top of theirs forever. I am dominant. I am a holy warrior, sent from the heavens to blow kids’ minds.

Idiot Does Dumb Thing
Some turd crashed a stolen Subaru into an apartment Monday morning and then fled the scene. By the time this goes to print they’ll probably have been caught, but I just wanted to say: good job, moron. Of all the empty space on this earth, you decided to plant this stolen car right in the middle of a spot occupied by a housing complex. Nobody appears to have been injured, and the police have caught two accomplices already.

Fun fact: someone once drove through Johnny Beaver’s apartment here in Corvallis. Probably because he’s a big stupid jerk and deserved it. What’re you going to do, Mr. Associate Editor? Censor me? I think not. Damn liberal snowflake.

As the State Turns is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.

By Sam Campbell