As the State Turns

Firebug’s Parents Get Sued
Two years ago, in 2016 (because that was two years ago), some kid named Travis Scott Toal decided it would be a good idea to throw a molotov cocktail into a Lake Oswego home. Everyone in the house was fine, and they even saved the home, but uh…yikes. They’re claiming that Toal’s parents knew he committed the crime long before he was identified and arrested, so…bang, zoom, $5.5 million lawsuit right in the kisser.

Toal served almost ten months in jail and had to pay $9,200 to the family, but they’re (rightfully) saying that this wasn’t enough.

Oh, you want to know why he did it? Supposedly the fire-bombed family’s daughter pissed him off. Toal’s family claims he struggles with mental health issues, which, clearly. The dude was the captain of his high school’s ski team.

Westside Christian Church, Ladies and Gentlemen!
Westside Christian Church in Roseburg may actually threaten to bring me back into the flock. Last week they, like many other churches, changed their sign out front. Only, here’s what it said:

“FORGIVENESS IS TO SWALLOW WHEN YOU WANT TO SPIT.”

Before you continue, please just take a moment to reflect upon this. Reminisce on your life’s journey thus far. Find your center. Try not to explode with laughter if you’re reading this in public, because you might blow some snot out and everyone will see. They’re already judging you…don’t add snot to the equation.

In an interview with the News-Review, Pastor Rick McMichael explained the sign by saying: “Well, you have saliva, and a lot of times when you get annoyed, you spit at people…you should just swallow it and get over it.”

Alrighty then, because that makes sense. It’s as if that guy climbing his flagpole at the Fred Meyer’s would’ve tried to explain himself by telling the police that, oh my word! He had no idea his Jimmy was in his hand! How the hell did that get there?!

After causing quite a stir in the whirring future-metropolis of Roseburg, they changed the sign to a much more benign “God is love.”

#FAIL. And to think, you were almost the cool church.

BEWARE: Road Stuff
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, etc. News alert. Traffic along some part of I-5 and I-84 is fixin’ to be all messed up and sh*t sometime soon because they’re going to be doing work on them, with little people in orange vests and monster trucks and whatnot. So if you’re driving near this random area that I’m not even detailing here, be warned: at some point this is going to happen.

Because at the Corvallis Advocate we’re concerned about your preparedness and well-being (though not as concerned as KGW, those people are total freaks), here are a few tips for weathering this super vague bit of news:

1. Bring an empty bottle to pee in. You know you’ve always wanted to do that.

2. … … …

Nope, sorry, just that one tip.

Rich Kids in Oregon are Smart
Yes indeed! Thanks to data and crap and stuff from student benchmark testing (whatever the hell that is), we now know that rich Oregonian kids do better in school than poor ones. Consequently, they also eat better food, have better healthcare, and will sometimes just not return their Xbox One games to Redbox because they’re lazy and don’t give much of a rat’s as* about fees.

There seems to be at least one other major correlation that people are missing, though. The Salem-Keizer kids’ math scores have dropped dramatically, and in fact 15% of their kiddos skipped the tests outright. Could it have to do with the fact that their school buses have “SALEM-KEIZER PUBLIC SCHOOLS” written on the side of them in ^%#@! Comic Sans? I’m going to have to go with a big fat yes on that one. You seriously can’t be expected to learn anything from a school system that’s willing to use Comic Sans.

That should be considered a crime.

Federales Rain On Oregonian’s Parade
Some enterprising Oregonian had been running “noveltyexcuses.com,” right up until he wasn’t—thanks to the Federal Trade Commission. What the hell is a novelty excuse, you ask? Fake forms. As in, financial paperwork, medical documents, pay stubs, insurance cards, etc. Holy crap, if only I had known about this before I…never mind. Note to self: Do not incriminate yourself in print.

So, who is this genius? The name is Steve Simmons. Which is pretty unremarkable. As was his punishment, so I’m going to save you from the boredom and just leave that part out. You are so very welcome.

As the State Turns is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.

By Sam Campbell

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