As the State Turns

Tree-Huggers Go Refillable Despite Dangers
Say what you will about Americans, but they know what they want, and they know how to sh*t on the environment to get it. However, some idiots are poking around where they don’t belong, and now we’ve got a really big problem on our hands: refillable bottles.

Look, I get that it could appear dumb as rocks to break down glass bottles, recycle them, sell off the stuff, and turn them back into bottles, etc., when you could just clean them out and fill ‘em back up—BUT! Like, ew. Gross. You can never know what kind of sick creep was suckin’ foam n’ golden brew from within your bottle’s friendly confines before you. Was it a pervert? Someone who watches teen shows on The CW? Someone who gets their kicks putting bottles up their bum? Maybe even…clears throat…a Democrat? 

Chlorine, bleach, cyanide, nothing can wash off Democrat. It may look clean, there may be no swabbable DNA, but I’ll tell you what, it’ll be there. Quantum-level Democratic Higgs-bosons and sh*t flying about all willy-nilly, getting into your lips and throat. Next thing you know, you’re drawing pentagrams in chicken blood and voting for decent healthcare. Oh yeah, you’ll also get a rash and turn into a humanoid reptile. You’ll no longer be welcome on the surface, but I heard the accommodations in Hollow Earth aren’t so bad. Free Wifi.

Now, if you fancy yourself a badas* and want to tempt fate, start keeping an eye out for nasty, thicker beer bottles around your favorite stores. Snatch them up and go for the glory. Though as further warning, participating in this system will help cut carbon emissions. Not something for the faint of heart.

ICE Melts
Because they’ve started releasing asylum seekers from the Sheridan prison. So, melting ICE. Okay.

This is good news for a lot of people, but perhaps most of all those imprisoned there. Why exactly have asylum seekers even been getting locked up in the first place? Well, it makes sense that we should try to determine whether or not people coming over the border are threats. But since most of these detainees reportedly have really good asylum cases, I’m going to go ahead and answer that question like this: because the system is f*cked and being influenced by bad policy, xenophobia, and racism. Prisons with reportedly terrible conditions may not be the best detainment choice. Just saying.

Personally, my vote is for bounce houses.

In the meantime, efforts to deport Donald Trump have been going really well. At this point we’re just waiting on engineers to develop a big enough space-faring colostomy bag.

And the $250,000 Prize Goes To….
There are many ways to get sued for a quarter of a million dollars, most of which are less embarrassing and idiotic than torturing a coworker. For example, I’ve been sending Drake messages for two months now, asking for permission to use tracks off of his Scorpion release as raw material for a record called F*ck Drake, Just Listen to This Sh*t. I’m taking the lack of a response as a positive sign and plan on putting out the album this November. By the end of the year, I expect Seth Rogen will show up dressed as an Advocate reporter and go: “You’ve been served” in a funny accent. Then I’ll be all like: “You’re a dick” and he’ll leave to go on an adventure with James Franco.

But yeah. An employee of the city of Portland is suing because they were: shoved, knocked down, yelled at and called obscenities, had their clothing torn off, was locked in a trailer and a cage, bound with duct tape and zip ties, and shot with stuff like screws and popcorn kernels by way of an air compressor. Is there evidence? Like photos? Why yes. Because dipsh*ts don’t know better than to document their crimes. Like me. I just gave away the whole Drake game in the previous paragraph.


This One Cool Guy
This one cool guy, Timothy Freeman, got himself busted last week because he had been sending threatening texts to a prostitute he had had an exchange with a few weeks prior. His threat basically went like this: “Gimme $100 or I’ll release a video I made of us doin’ it.” Honestly, that’s a pretty serious threat. Believe me, I’ve seen the guy. Woof.

According to reports, the woman hasn’t paid him a cent and went to the cops. Hence the arrest.

Lesson learned, butthole!

This Other Cool Guy
Scott E. Clement, the Manager of McCormick’s & Schmick’s Harborside Restaurant (no joke) was attempting to sue pest control company Ecolab for nearly a million dollars because he was bitten by a spider. The bite occurred while he was removing spider webs he says Ecolab was responsible for. Ecolab has said that the spiders weren’t covered under the plan that had been taken out.

Would love to get a hold of the transcripts for that hearing on a rainy day.

As the State Turns is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.

By Sam Campbell