As the State Turns

Fire Season Sucks
It’s always tough to report on fire season escalations, and not just because I like poopy, I love it, and I like it so much. It’s the best and I also like Backstreet Boys.

Woah, damnit. Cat got on my keyboard again. What I meant to say is that it’s difficult to keep up with how quickly things change when you only go to print once a week, but worse yet—the news is almost always bad. At the time of writing, there are at least six separate blazes blazing, covering a few hundred thousand acres. There are actually some very exact numbers out there, but you know me and math. I can’t dazzle you with an exact burnt acre > dollar value > burrito equation like the late, “great” Johnny Beaver. Although on the plus side, I’m not a total fartknocker with an ironic last name (you don’t really believe it’s real, right?), so there’s a silver lining.

So far, a few homes have unfortunately been lost, there are evacuations in place, and a sizeable chunk of the southwestern part of the state is obscured to satellites by smoke. This time it’s not even part of a government plot to keep the public from finding out about large holes that lead to the Reptilian stronghold in the earth’s core. There’s actually a sh*tload of smoke down there.

Let’s see, what else is awesome? The South Valley fire is starting to look like it might have been caused by humans (two legs, sometimes eats whole tubs of ice cream and then feels bad about it). That and the fire season is expected to get even worse than it already has been as we progress towards Fall. Could have something to do with the fact that it has been miserably hot out, which is a totally stupid thing to happen, because I hate it.

At least we’re not closer to the Sun, I guess.

W. Joseph Astarita Acquilted
You know what’s weird? The word is actually “acquitted.” Apparently I’ve been saying it wrong for years, but whatever. I like my headline. That’s right, editors. Eat my grammatical dust. And by that I mean don’t mess with it, or else this whole paragraph will make no sense.

So…yeah. That FBI guy was nodded at and fist bumped by the jury, and now he’s free of his obstruction and lying charges. You know who wasn’t fist bumping? The prosecutors. Lordy, they keep losing case after case. I know this one was against one of their own, but as Senator Clay Davis would say, “sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.” He would probably also say it with varying amounts of e’s.

Perhaps the biggest takeaway here is the question of who actually fired those two mystery shots at LaVoy Finicum if it wasn’t Astarita? Not that the outcome of a court battle is married to the truth.

“Mystery follows ex-Oregonian who crashed Horizon Air plane”
That headline is in quotes because it was used by OregonLive last Sunday. I guess it is regionally relevant that he used to be an Oregonian, but it rubbed me the wrong way. Richard Russell stole a plane, committed suicide by crashing it, and the whole damn thing was recorded and broadcast far and wide. We simply can’t take the intensity and tragedy of the situation for granted. Having lost friends to suicide while watching others suffer from depression and anxiety, I found the audio extremely disturbing. Anyone would. And it bothers me when something like this is summed up by a blurb and a bunch of twitter screenshots, but this isn’t about criticizing The Oregonian / OregonLive. The headline was mechanical, but honestly, what the hell am I doing for the situation, anyway? Rambling. Super useful.

I suppose it just felt like I needed to say something, for my own mental health. Even if it ruined the vibe of an As the State Turns full of deliciously positive stuff like poop, acquittals, and wildfires.

But At Least There Are Donut Conspiracies
A phrase I never thought I’d use. Donutgate, as it is being called, is sort of an unofficial sequel to Pizzagate. Which, if you don’t know what that is, well…lucky you.

The rundown: The other day, someone going by the name of Michael Whelan popped up on a nutzoid YouTube show called “Lift the Veil.” Almost an hour in, Whelan claims that Voodoo Doughnut co-owner Tres Shannon is part of some kind of child sex scheme, and that he witnessed this at a party. For some perspective, the last video posted to this channel is called “Macaulay Culkin’s Ode to Satan,” and features a spectacular display of nonsense. The host is kind of like a younger, better groomed, but far less entertaining Alex Jones.

I’m going to leave you to The Google and your own devices for now, simply because there’s not enough room in this entire paper to do an unwrapping of Donutgate any justice. That said, because this is to this column what George W. Bush was to The Daily Show, next week As the State Turns will offer up a special Donutgate edition. Nobody knows this subculture of psychos like an insomniac that has nothing better to do at night than peruse 4chan.

As the State Turns is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.

By Sam Campbell

 

PS: Okay, I’ll give you a taste. Here’s a comment found on the YouTube video in question:

“Oh my God! I checked out Voodoo donuts in Portland, OR, and they have pentagram frosting on a donut, and the one that is a voodoo doll with sigils on the frosting pattern and a stick pretzel through the heart, and some have a frown face on them, and they have a coffin full of donuts for $110 or something like this. They are producing donuts with SATANIC symbols on them! It’s right there in front of your face! People, it’s not cute! And it’s not just Halloween!”

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