As the State Turns

An Idiot Abroad
Perhaps eerily so, Raymond Reinke of Pendleton represents Oregon to the rest of the nation in much the same way Donald Trump represents America to the rest of the world. First he goes to Grand Teton National Park on the 28th, where he is busted for being a drunk, disorderly, doofus. After sleeping it off in jail, he’s let out and a few days later is cited by police in Yellowstone for once again being drunk, as well as not wearing his seatbelt. He was then cited again after someone recorded a video of him getting out in traffic and flailing his arms around like a lunatic in an attempt to provoke a seriously big as* angry bison. Yes, those fluffernutters of the field will in fact kill the sh*t out of you, so it appears as if Reinke got lucky.

Reinke wasn’t done, of course. He then went to Glacier National Park where he caused a ruckus at some hotel, the consequence of which involved him being nabbed by the local pokey, who subsequently sent him back to Yellowstone. To meet lady justice—not to attempt to dry hump another bison.

Kudos on the hat trick my man, but how about you reconsider coming home?

Proud Boys 1, Antifa 0
Gone are the days when protests in America consisted of counter-culture folks (and those affluent enough to not have to worry about getting to work) facing off against the police in large numbers. In Trump’s America, all we get is a bunch of ridiculous man-babies dressing up like GI Joe’s and holding rallies in opposition strongholds in an attempt to incite violence. In response to goofball racist tallywackers like the Proud Boys, you get black-clad ninja/bandit/pirates under the anti-fascist Antifa label coming out geared to respond. Seriously, look at any bit of old civil rights era protest footage and find me a hippy wearing f*cking body armor. Or in some Proud Boys’ cases, their eldest child’s BMX pads and paintball goggles.

There were a lot of people caught in the crossfire, so to speak, but they were definitely there to party. While some looked battle-ready, it was kind of hard to tell whether they were going to war, or had all been nearby when a Goodwill donation center exploded. Underwear mask? Check. Clown outfit with neon pink tiger stripe bandana? Check. Little kids holding up anti-fascist signs way too damn close to a bunch of armed, alt right lunatics? Check.

Look, I’m not going to say not to punch Nazis. I think it’s kind of funny when a truly despicable human being gets their just desserts. However, wtf is going on, people? I get that there’s a bigger whiff of existential threat when we’ve got a geriatric buttplug in the oval office and racists marching down the street, but are we really at the Klingon stage already? 

The number of counter-protesters that show up alone is enough to embarrass these dildos, yet they were down there declaring victory because you were all goaded into chucking bottles and coming out geared up for a fight. While some reports have claimed that the whole shebang was largely peaceful, police were indeed provoked by counter-protesters into firing off a bunch of crowd control munitions and violently shoving them out of the area.

The Alt-right got exactly what they wanted, so congratulations. Defending your family, friends, and culture…or jumping on an excuse to justify violence? Better figure that one out.

As the days and weeks come we’re bound to see a lot more photo and video evidence of the comings and goings, so I’ll address any specific events as the evidence becomes clear. There were definitely some injuries attributed to the police (and the police have promised to look into them…at least they’re acknowledging it happened).

Some Crime Tidbits To Take Your Mind Off It…

• Some guy dressed up as a pirate and robbed a place near Forest Grove. Not fully, that would have been awesome. This dillhole was only wearing a paper mask that had a beard, eyepatch, and hat.

• A detective in Marion county got busted for selling guns he took from a dead guy while working, and a cop from Gresham was booted off the force for stealing meds on duty.

• A Cave Junction man attacked his roommate with a hatchet. Points for style.

• A church employee from Beaverton was caught after stealing $70,000 in donation bucks.

• A woman with a bad haircut stabbed her boyfriend after he told her to move out.

• Donald Trump was arrested for conduct unbecoming a human being after he crashed the goat he was riding naked through the window of a Hillsboro Walmart and began smearing peanut butter all over his body while singing “God’s Plan” by Drake.

As the State Turns is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.

By Sam Campbell

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