As the State Turns

Belly Full O’ People Cream
Every week, I devote countless hours to scouring Oregonian media for comings-and-goings that I might be able to brutally twist into something amusing, because damnit, that’s the only way to survive Trump’s America. Well, sometimes the media does my job for me, as is evidenced by what the OregonLive website greeted me to this morning: Two banner ads at the top, reading “It’s National Ice Cream Day: Dip into some free offers” and then “Heat advisory hints: Symptoms of heat illness, tips to stay cool.”

Boy howdy, if that’s not a hard sell, I don’t know what is. Dare I click the ice cream banner? I do. Aaaaaaand cue the instant regret. Just what I wanted to see right now, a big image of a small child sharing an ice cream cone with a nasty garbage dog. That thing looks like its packing gila monster levels of bacteria in its frothing maw, full on tongue contact to the vanilla swirl. That kid’ll be fine today, fine tomorrow, but six months from now his teeth are going to fall out and he’ll start smelling like 40-year-old graham crackers and cigarette ash. Ooops, should’ve scrolled a bit. I guess they’ve got names, and share an Instagram channel with hundreds of thousands of fans. Teehee, sorry about that. I’m sure there won’t be any problems with teeth or smells.

Still though, that’s f*cking nasty.

Scrolling some more, I got what I pretty much expected. A list of corporate cream houses and their paltry sales. Oh thanks Sub Zero for that dollar off! But no really, thank you. Because holy sh*t, nitrogen ice cream is so *&%@! good. Still, scrollin’… scrollin’… oh look, PetSmart Pet Hotels is having some kind of doggie ice cream thing, which I’m sure is totally nutritious for them. Hmmm, now where can we find a dog that could really use some of that… WELL IT ISN’T GOING TO BE THAT NASTY MUTT FROM ABOVE, BECAUSE THE BASTARD ALREADY HAS A BELLY FULL OF PEOPLE CREAM.

::cough::

The tips for staying cool couldn’t be that weird, though. Let’s see. Tip #1: Stay Cool. Okay, fair enough. Tip #2: Stay hydrated. Alright, makes sense. Tip #3: Stay Informed. That seems a little concerning. Tip #4: Seek Help. FOR WHAT!!?? OH MY GOD???!!! THAT ESCALATED SO QUICKLY.

Portland’s Big Floater
Don’t worry, it’s just a Baby Ruth. Actually, it’s worse than poop. It’s thousands of Portlanders hopping into the Willamette on the 14th (whew, thank heavens you missed it!) to writhe around and probably ingest illicit substances while stuffed up the cloaca of various rubber inner tube animals.

Sure, it’s hot as hell out and the river is a good way to cool off, but do we really need to gross it up with a bunch of humans just because we’ve flushed the Paris Climate Agreement? It’s only been swimmably delicious for a handful of years, which many attribute to the completion of the cleverly-named “Big Pipe Project,” which…er…helped…reduce...sewer overflow. Sewer…Sewerage…Sewarge…SEWAGE?! You mean there’s human sh*t in the Willamette? Yeah, and probably more since the 14^th. Surely you don’t think that people would ever swim all the way out just to find a Honey Bucket? Hell no, they were straight dumpin’ up in there. Any more logs and you’d have seen a bunch of lumberjacks show up and try to roll them downriver.

Trump Pardons Those Douchebag Arsonists
You remember the Hammonds, right? Illegally killing deer, setting fires that put people, firefighters, and others in danger to protect their business, etc. Inspired the Bundy gang to come up to Oregon, dig a huge hole, and sh*t in it while terrorizing the locals and starting a massive dildo collection? Of course you do. And you likely know that, for all of the innocent people sitting in prison, or people serving out insanely long convictions that don’t match their crimes, our tw*twaffle of a President chose them for a pardon.

I’m honestly not even sure there’s a whole hell of a lot more to say about it. The Hammonds are back in state, and in his first interview, Dwight starts rambling on about how he’s going to use his freedom to work on getting religion back in schools, because according to him, without indoctrinating our children against their will, we’re all doomed. Hammond also continues to believe that what he did shouldn’t have warranted their 5-year sentences. And honestly, I’d have to agree. I think it should’ve been more like 6 or 7. And I think Donald Trump better hope we elect an even bigger piece of sh*t in the future so someone will be willing to pardon him.

As the State Turns is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.

By Sam Campbell