As the State Turns

Is it a Nuke? Is it a Plane? No, It’s Just Butt-Exploding Algae 

Unless you’ve been living under a rock (or you’ve got better things to do, which… haha), you’ve probably heard all about the tantalizing doomsday event Salem experienced last week. Starting at the beginning, let’s take a look at their first official bit of text:

“Emergency Alert: Civil Emergency in this area until 11:28PM PDT Prepare for Action OEM,1,OR”

Within half an hour of this being blasted out to Oregonian mobile phones far and wide, my family’s chief conspiracy theorist had placed several phone calls to friends and family, leaving panicked voicemails that, at one point, questioned whether we were being nuked by either the Russians, North Korea, or the Russians and North Korea (and also possibly the Libyans, because she had just watched Back to the Future). Not that Salem doesn’t house most of the United States’ vital infrastructures, but I had my suspicions.

The rest of Oregon didn’t handle it much better, though, bogging down the 911 system and apparently crashing the city of Salem’s website. It wasn’t too long before a correction was issued:

“The Emergency Alert Message at 8:29 PM was to support the water service area for the Detroit Water Reservoir. The system unfortunately removed the details of this message and reverted to the default material. A repaired message was sent at 9:00 PM.

Whew! No nukes. Turns out it was actually just a toxic level of algae found in practically the entire area’s water supply. No big deal! Just a butt-exploding microscopic diarrhea monster that you can’t filter out by boiling. But hey, on the bright side, everyone got to experience a ton of price gouging with fresh water being brought into town. In fact, reports indicate that there was so much of that going on that if you have a friend or something living in Salem, chances are they have been ripped off or know someone else who has. In that event, have them call the Attorney General’s Consumer Hotline at 1-877-877-9392. Because f*ck those people, that’s something Donald Trump would do.

Four days later, levels had supposedly returned to normal, or rather “returned to being under health advisory levels.” I don’t know about you, but that sounds like there’s still some sh*t in the water. Personally, I’d let the dust settle for another month or two and just drink beer. Fun fact: it’s mostly water. Also, what better excuse to avoid showering? Grease City, here I come!

Want more scary water stuff? Check out this ( article from Oregon Public Broadcasting on lead levels! Woohoo!!!

Portland Protest Violence…
…was relatively mild last Sunday, considering it was basically a Right Vs. Left showdown, or it was hyped up in the press ahead of time like that anyway. There were just four arrests, despite some rock chucking and uh… fist punching. Some Antifa folks showed up dressed like ninjas, and apparently the two sides… sung at each other, at some point. I guess we were just a hair short of a proper dance battle.

The whole thing started off as a goodbye party to some right-wing douche bag.

The end.

Merkley Gon’ Lose His Sh*t, Up in There, Up in There
Okay look, I know that headline sucked. You try to do  a DMX headline and make it work, jerk.

Anyhow, last week Oregon Senator Jeff “The Merkler” Merkley went to Texas in search of an ex-Walmart in Brownsville, but not to see if any bargain bin DVDs were left. He went because this building (recently upgraded with blackout windows) is being used to house undocumented children belonging to families that are seeking asylum, and after multiple failed attempts to remotely schedule a visit, just said “f*ck it, I’m going in.”

Er, wait… what the hell are these kids doing in a Walmart away from their families? You’ll have to ask Jeff Sessions about that.

You can watch the video here yourself (, but the end result was the facility supervisor refusing to speak with him, or even explain why they wouldn’t. They also called the cops on him.

If you think this is disturbing, that’s because it is.

As the State Turns is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.

By Sam Campbell