As the State Turns

Bend’s Principal Weakness
Starting us off in the classiest way possible, we have North Bend High School’s Principal, Bill Lucero, and Resource Officer Jason Griggs. These two jokers just got the axe for discimination. For shame! What pray tell, did they do? Oh, nothing much. Just telling LBGTQ kids that they’re going to hell, harassing them, and failing to protect them from harassment from others. One report shows a student complaining that their civics teacher had referred to gay marriage as being like marrying a dog, while another claimed to have been beaten with a skateboard while having anti-gay slurs shouted at her. Neither incident was investigated. I guess now we know why: because Lucero and Griggs are total numb-nuts and pretty much less qualified to work with kids than a sack of potatoes. Of course, Betsy DeVos might disagree, but we don’t really give a rat’s as* what Betsy DeVos has to say. She’s a moron and a national embarrassment.

No Accidents in Oregon
Next up, we have the poor kid who set Eagle Creek on fire. A judge just ordered him to pay back $36 million. “Oh, I know he can’t pay it,” the judge said to me in a private meeting that totally happened because judges meet with me all the time. “There’s some like, stuff in the law that says he’ll be freed of the payments if he doesn’t screw up and makes payments for a decade.” Wow. So, what’s the point of this exactly? To saddle a kid with an unpayable debt just a few years or so before college is going to take care of that all on its own? The fire was bad, but it wasn’t set maliciously. Let’s take a look at who will be siphoning this kid’s cash, according to OregonLive:

• Iris Schenk (her house burned down): $5,000

• Allstate Insurance: $8,111.44

• Oregon State Parks: $31,550.90

• Heuker Properties: $100,000

• Trail Club of Oregon: $168,000

• Union Pacific Railroad: $1,048,877.52

• Oregon State Fire Marshal: $1,643,035.38

• Oregon Department of Transportation: $12.5 million

• U.S. Forest Service: $21,113,755

Sounds about right, doesn’t it? He got 5 years probation, community service, and had to write like 150 letters. How about double that probation and the community service hours? You know, something that actually makes sense. Good grief.

Clearly Suicide
Next in line is the tragic story of PSU student Aaron Salazar, who was taking an Amtrak train from Colorado to Portland. Just a short bit after sending a text about a long layover, his body was found by an Amtrak employee. Salazar had been severely beaten and burned. Amtrack police have thus far claimed that they see no evidence of criminal intention, and have even noted that it may have been a suicide attempt. A gay person of color riding through Red country, beaten to hell and set on fire? Yeah, suicide was my first thought too. Or it would have been, if I weren’t in possession of an IQ over 60. Amtrak is currently refusing to consider investigating this as a hate crime, despite doctors’ accounts of the injuries saying that he was definitely beaten. Salazar is in a coma.

If you’d like to help out, open this link up and contribute: https://www.gofundme.com/bv5cn-justice-for-aaron.

Portland Sidewalk Driver Arrested
More fun? Why not? Last Friday Greg P. Porter drove his blue SUV down the sidewalk in Portland right around 6th Ave. and Montgomery, which is an area that’s usually very busy with student foot traffic. He struck three women, who at the time of writing were all still in the hospital– in critical, serious, and fair condition. Driving off immediately after the strike, which some witnesses describe as looking intentional, the driver was finally cornered and arrested a couple of miles down the road by Portland police. Trains were shut down in the area for a while, and I can personally attest to the high anxiety levels of PSU students at the moment.

Porter has reportedly struggled with mental health issues for years. Read more from this more comprehensive look by OregonLive: http://www.oregonlive.com/portland/index.ssf/2018/05/former_neighbors_of_man_accuse.html .

Two Lame Organizations Fight (Possibly to Death)
Last but not least we have the curious tale of Ambridge Event Center, who is suing the Holy Rosary Church for $2.3 million. Why? Because said church owns the building they used, and had submitted to Ambridge that they had to follow some nonsense morals clause that involved refusing to host or do business with anyone in the LBGTQ community. Ambridge actually followed these rules and after turning down an African American LGBTQ support group the bad press rolled in… hard. Ambridge then goes “oh sh*t,” apologizes, and hires an openly gay person for some job or another. Because that fixes everything.

So yeah, now Ambridge, who was totally complicit in that bullsh*t, is suing the church. This is one of those rare lawsuits where nobody cares who wins, because at least somebody will lose.

As the State Turns is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.

By Sam Campbell

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