As the State Turns

Marylhurst Goes Down the Hoooole
In a move surprising to a lot of people—though it shouldn’t have been—Portland area college Marylhurst University announced last week that it would be shutting its doors for good at the end of 2018. Blaming low numbers (the student population had literally been halved since 2014) and probably some other stuff I don’t feel like looking up, this sucks a giant hippo fart for students, alumni, faculty, and the greater Portland art community. The latter of which, of course (of course…) is because the giant nunnery of a school was home to the Art Gym, which was a lovely space with awesome programming.

None of the reporting out there seems to have investigated exactly why enrollment was down beyond citing The Great Recession, which makes most of the “omg is this a sign for the future?!” statements a little suspect. Marylhurst representatives have noted that unlike most colleges that go under, this had nothing to do with accreditation woes or other typical shenanigans. Maybe Lake Oswego is just too f*cking expensive? Maybe $463 dollars per credit for undergraduate classes is… I dunno… BONKERS. Considering PSU is like half of that, and that’s still bonkers.

Gee whizz Europe, how do you have such cheap college? Why can’t we figure it out? Oh sh*t, hold my beer, gotta fire a billion dollars’ worth of missiles at the desert.

Oregon Schools Freak Out Over Trans Book
THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS! I had you right up until the “BOOKS!” part, right? Yeh. Nothing we can do about that. Anyway, this annual thingy that schools do looks like this: kids read books, then they compete Jeopardy-style. Sounds lame, but at least there’s no Pizza Hut product placement. When I was a kid, I was like “f*ck these boxcar children, give me my personal pan!” Book It… not a great idea, people. All I can remember is that those poor kids were separating me from what I had to eat in order to become a mutant ninja.

While THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS! Has gone over relatively well in years past, this time around it features George, a book about a young trans girl, by.. uh… someone. I closed the tab, sorry. Anyway, I heard it’s an excellent title, and while most districts are embracing it, two are not: Hermiston and Cascade. The Pooperintendent from Cascade said that the book is not “developmentally appropriate for third and fourth graders.” I mean, the girl in the book is a fourth grader, but okay. The quote from Hermiston is even funnier, though: “It was not about the subject matter… but the content of the book.” Because those aren’t the exact same thing? You fools.

So far no parents have really stepped forward to stand against the book’s inclusion, but we’ll see. It seems like most schools are taking a “read this and decide for yourself if you want your kids taking part” stance, which seems reasonable. Certainly more reasonable than “it’s not so much the sandwich that’s the problem, but the bread, mayo, cheese, lettuce, and tomato.”

Art Robinson: Fifth Time’s the Charm?
You know, look. Oregon Republicans. If you want to be taken seriously, you’ve got to get it together. Approving Art “The Fart” Robinson, who has never been able to win anything, for a FIFTH attempt at unseating Peter DeFazio, are you f*cking kidding me?

I won’t do it, by the way. I won’t launch into a long list of all the absolutely batsh*t insane things that have come out of Art Robinson’s mouth. We’ve heard it all before, and frankly, Donald Trump has cornered the market.

However, what I will do is ask a question: Art, if you can scurry out from underneath the coffee table and put your pants back on for a second… how exactly does picking up some more votes than usual in a party primary give you the feeling you could somehow pick up the 80,000 or so you have historically needed to actually win the election? Also, dude, evolution is a thing. Give it up.

Oh, and one more question: Caltech… you gave this guy a Ph.D.? In your defense, maybe he suffered an unreported head injury or something later on.

U of O Says Dumb Thing
“As devastating as this sudden passing is, it is important to point out that this tragedy is connected to an unauthorized tradition among many college students. Students from many institutions have a history of demonstrating poor life choices during visits to Lake Shasta. These activities are contrary to the values of the university and fraternity and sorority organizations.”

That was the initial statement issued by the University of Oregon in response to a student being found dead last week at an annual-ish Shasta Lake outing.

Oops.

As the State Turns is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.

By Sam Campbell

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