As the State Turns

Alas, Poor Boyd’s, I Knew Him Well
Well, maybe you did. I’ve never been there, but the Boyd Coffee Co. will be closing out its long run in Portland after 118 years in business. According to reports, the company was sold to Farmer Bros. of Texas last year for $60 million or so, and since then, Farmer Bros. has decided to consolidate and shut down their area operations. This means that 135 of their Oregon employees will be laid off, which is set to be completely by the beginning of October of this year. Depressing, eh?

BUT DON’T FRET!

The new corporate overlords have promised to continue to sell coffee under the Boyd brand name, because that’s not totally f*cked up or anything. Business is business, but maybe you’ll remember the tale the next time you reach for a bag of Boyds… if it comes in bags. I really have no earthly idea.

The Results Are In!
According to a report by OregonLive, there were 4,000 burglaries in Portland last year (compared to Lebanon’s 11,000). If you live in Portland, or are thinking about moving there and really, really want to get your sh*t stolen, here are the top 5:

5. Richmond – 51 burglaries.

4. Sabin – 15 burglaries

3. Eastmoreland – 36 burglaries.

2. Sunnyside – 35 burglaries.

1. Laurelhurst – 46 burglaries.

If those numbers seem a little weird, that’s because I have presented them to you in a confusing way (because I’m lazy). That said, the report lists them in a per-square-mile fashion, sectioned off by different neighborhoods. If I was a burglar, I’d steal across neighborhood lines. That’d really fool those filthy, stinking coppers! Yahah! Criminal say “Yahah!” right?

Damnit.

Damien Lillard’s Brother Shot
I know literally nothing about what happened (neither do the police), and more information will likely have come out since this was written, but Damien Lillard is famous and so here’s your obligatory entry. The wounded brother, Jahrell Lillard, is okay. In the end, that’s all that really matters anyway.

Portland Police Have Painful Erection (For Gangs) That Has Lasted For More Than Four Hours
Remember a while back when the police up there were supposed to have ditched their unfair, “this dude is in a gang” list? Mainly because it was being used to profile and harass people in a way totally counterproductive to actual law enforcement? Well, they did. Good for them! However, not quite as good is this: they’ve kept another list that’s essentially the exact same thing. Good grief.

This was uncovered during a still-ongoing audit that is probing all sorts of issues in the department, as was evidence of disproportionate traffic stops involving African Americans with no apparent record of justification.

Oops?

On a positive note, I believe Portland still remains the first city whose police department has actually tried to do away with these lists. Granted, it was also the first city pride itself on how “weird” it is, which is extremely dorky. I guess you take the bad with the good.

Speaking of Police Whoopsies
A Woodburn cop by the name of Daniel Kerbs made an epic “my bad” face after he was convicted of sexually abusing a minor last week. In a move of unprecedented selflessness, two days after his conviction, Kerbs decided to resign as an officer of the peace. What a man!

Kerbs had been on leave since last July, but had been re-arrested for violating his previous release agreement because he got caught living with his girlfriend and her kids. You know, lady… I dunno. I got a hold of his photo, and while I get the appeal of a square jaw and all that, the dude has beady little psycho eyes and ears that could be put to use as flaps on a futuristic hover-car. Like in F-Zero. Never mind.

Easter Egg Hunt, Oregon Style
In a rare bipartisan move, Oregon state lawmakers enacted a brand-new tradition designed to welcome people moving to Oregon from out of state. In the spirit of Easter, tens of thousands of colored eggs containing sasquatch bumper stickers, polished thunder eggs, and postcards of That One Rock From Cannon Beach That’s On All of the Postcards were hidden specifically for our newest citizens… in southern California.

The eggs themselves are made from a rare cloth that you may remember from Hans Christian Anderson classic, The Emporer’s New Clothes. Just like in the story though, participants in the hunt should have no trouble spotting the eggs from a mile away! After all, they’ll only be invisible to total morons.

Those who engage in the hunt may keep their findings tax free, but can’t re-enter the state until they’ve got three or four of them.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how it’s done.

As the State Turns is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.

 

By Johnny Beaver

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