As the State Turns

Craploads of People Do The Thing in Portland
Gun control, what a bugger, am I right? First, they try to take your guns away, then they fill the streets with stinking, greasy, pock-marked teenagers that are butthurt because people keep shooting at them. Worse yet, they’re all screaming and stuff, holding signs that make tons of sense and stuff. Ugh. This was the scene in Portland last week, if you didn’t notice. Though in all fairness, there were bunch of old people and kids, too. Fartin’ up the place. #enough, etc.

While we’re not sure exactly how many people showed up for this goofy march, some estimates place it in the tens of thousands. At least one person said, “one hundred million billion trillion hundred,” but as it turns out, Donald Trump mistook something on Fox News to suggest that it was a rally in support of his border wall.

No but seriously, hats off to everyone making this happen. I’d say the NRA could kiss my as*, but they have like five million members. That would take a really long time and leave my cheeks all moist and flabby.

Jeff Merkley 2020?
That’s the word on the street, anyway. No, not that he’ll simply still be alive in two years, but that he’ll run for President. Yes, of the United States of America. Against Donald Trump, maybe. Because with Trump, who the f*ck knows. Either way, consider yourself warned. Our least favorite state Democrat may be going for the gold, only to be mowed down in the primary by flashier contenders, like Oprah or Kanye West. Or Sponge Bob (why not, right?).

For now, Merkley is doing the whole, “I’m not going to say that I’m not running” song and dance, which tells me he’s got a half dozen lawyers on retainer, digging through his past to be sure there’s no evidence left from that one time he ********* with a jar of ***** and a ******, and then the Teddy Ruxpin’s head spun around backwards and started speaking in tongues. Also, that poor banana.

No, but seriously, I like this guy despite him having no chance.

Oregon Crime Dudes
The FBI is looking for this total dork from Eugene with the word “dork” tattoo’d on his throat because he has called said FBI and threatened to kill people a handful of times. He shouldn’t be too hard to find, because he’s also got what appears to be two striped penises tattoo’d on his forehead, and some seriously floppy as* earlobes. Like, ew. The guy’s name is Shawn Frederick Weatherhead, and if you know where this dork is, please call the FBI at 503-224-4181. Just don’t threaten to kill people when you call or tattoo dumb sh*t on your face.

Over in Gresham, one Scott M. Smith was picked up after having stolen a truck and escaped his Multnomah county work crew. Again, with the facial tats, this guy seems to have some cauliflower on one side of his neck and the word “Google” in cursive on the other. Dude, dude, dude. If you escape, don’t go back to Gresham. Of course, you’d be in Gresham. You may have been on the run longer if you had just driven straight back to the police station.

Speaking of dumbasses, Bud O’Neil Burkleo was busted near Astoria the other day after a string of at least four fake distress calls (and possibly as many as 22) to the U.S. Coast Guard. I sure hope the calls were funny, because you’re definitely up sh*t’s creek without a paddle now, friend.

Because this has been relatively pleasant so far, I won’t mention all of the recent convictions and arrests regarding Oregon jail employees and probation officers sexually abusing children. There has been quite a few. Good job, Oregon.

No, but seriously, not a good job.

Valve Turner Sentenced
Leonard Higgins, the Oregonian “valve-turner” activist that shut down an oil pipeline in Montana back in 2016 was convicted of his crime last week, but will serve no jail time. Ordered to pay just $3,775 of the $25,000 worth of damage the oil company claimed he did, Higgins seemed surprised at the sentence, but relieved. That makes two of us.

The felony charge will be removed from Higgins’ record as long as he pays the fine and commits no further crimes. This includes not just valve turning, but rope pulling, switch flipping, button pressing, key rotating (because I already used “turning”), flim-flamming, and poop eating. I may have made that last one up. You be the judge.

No, but seriously, glad to hear the favorable outcome, dude.
By Johnny Beaver
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