As the State Turns

Don’t Feed the Turkeys
Let’s all collectively admit something: Eugene kind of sucks, and not in a good way. First of all, it’s named after that mullet-wielding turncoat on ABC’s hit horror drama, The Walking Dead. Not only does that violate the space time continuum and not actually make any sense (their fault, not mine), but that guy is a total jerk hole and nobody likes him, and he smells. Eugene the city smells too, because of all the dirty hippies. Am I right?

I lost my train of thought. Blairally is cool. Oh yeah, Eugene has a turkey problem. They’re all over the f*cking place, and they’re frightening. You’ve got hippies running at breakneck speeds from the front of Whole Foods to their diesel mini-busses, screaming bloody murder. In their defense, have you ever seen a turkey? What the hell is that on their face? You don’t want to see a turkey on strong acid, man.

Thankfully, unlike our federal government, the Eugene City Council is snapping into action. Taxpayer-funded ninja turkey kill squads!!!! Only no. Basically, they’re just mulling about whether or not to fine people for feeding the damn things. Personally, I’d be more concerned about the freak who is clearly running around with a turkey baster inseminating them. But hey, whatever. Eugene. What can you do?

Sweet Butts
That’s what I call “Sweet Cakes by Melissa,” the Gresham company that refused to make a wedding cake for a lesbian couple, and was rightfully smacked upside the head for it. Why? Because I think they’re sh*tty, and sh*t is what comes out of butts. Yes, I’m a genius.

Anyway, the 2013 incident we all know and love resulted in the owners having to pay $135,000 in damages to the couple they denied. This caused them to have to shutter their business, which is fine because their cakes tasted like crap. They appealed, but the effort failed under a unanimous vote in the Oregon Court of Appeals just last December. 

Now, the maligned business owners are petitioning the Oregon Supreme Court to take a look at the situation. Uh, yeah. Good luck with that. Their lawyer is making a first amendment argument, saying that Butthole 1 and Butthole 2 (said owners) have had their rights violated – I guess forgetting about the fact that the first amendment isn’t exactly a basis for circumventing civil rights law. You want to sell cakes on the street, in our community, under our laws? You have to sell to everyone equally. Unless they have no shirt or shoes, in which case you can give them no service.

We don’t tolerate shoeless, shirtless people around these parts. Heeyuck.

Fast Times in Forest Grove
Melinda Lucero… remember that name. This Forest Grove resident surrendered to police the other day after a neighbor spotted their stolen flower pot on her porch. As it turns out, she had practically landscaped her entire front yard with items stolen from her neighbors, including a bench, pillows, a ladder, and more.

To make what is essentially the dumbest crime spree of all time even funnier (personally, I hide all the sh*t I steal), you know that neighbor that saw his pot? That neighbor was a cop who was knocking on her door as part of an investigation into all the thefts.

I just… never mind.

While We’re On the Topic of Crime
Back in 2016 Cholo Circulado was chillaxxing (however that is spelt) at the Acropolis strip club in Portland and thought to himself, “hmmm, I wonder what would happen if I shouted some nasty stuff at the stripper and folded my money into a paper airplane and then threw it at her?” Well, Circulado found out posthaste when exotic dancer Ayanne Curcio responded by chucking a beer glass at his head, where upon impact it shattered and lacerated the poor guy’s noggin. Since, Circulado has spent almost $10,000 on medical bills and is now suing the strip club for $50,000.

Though it took an entire year, for some unexplained reason, Curcio was at some point charged with fourth degree assault. Her attorney is not happy, and has said some stuff about it that bored me, so I’m not sharing it with you.

The end. See you next week.Don’t Feed the Turkeys

Let’s all collectively admit something: Eugene kind of sucks, and not in a good way. First of all, it’s named after that mullet-wielding turncoat on ABC’s hit horror drama, The Walking Dead. Not only does that violate the space time continuum and not actually make any sense (their fault, not mine), but that guy is a total jerk hole and nobody likes him, and he smells. Eugene the city smells too, because of all the dirty hippies. Am I right?

I lost my train of thought. Blairally is cool. Oh yeah, Eugene has a turkey problem. They’re all over the f*cking place, and they’re frightening. You’ve got hippies running at breakneck speeds from the front of Whole Foods to their diesel mini-busses, screaming bloody murder. In their defense, have you ever seen a turkey? What the hell is that on their face? You don’t want to see a turkey on strong acid, man.

Thankfully, unlike our federal government, the Eugene City Council is snapping into action. Taxpayer-funded ninja turkey kill squads!!!! Only no. Basically, they’re just mulling about whether or not to fine people for feeding the damn things. Personally, I’d be more concerned about the freak who is clearly running around with a turkey baster inseminating them. But hey, whatever. Eugene. What can you do?

Sweet Butts
That’s what I call “Sweet Cakes by Melissa,” the Gresham company that refused to make a wedding cake for a lesbian couple, and was rightfully smacked upside the head for it. Why? Because I think they’re sh*tty, and sh*t is what comes out of butts. Yes, I’m a genius.

Anyway, the 2013 incident we all know and love resulted in the owners having to pay $135,000 in damages to the couple they denied. This caused them to have to shutter their business, which is fine because their cakes tasted like crap. They appealed, but the effort failed under a unanimous vote in the Oregon Court of Appeals just last December. 

Now, the maligned business owners are petitioning the Oregon Supreme Court to take a look at the situation. Uh, yeah. Good luck with that. Their lawyer is making a first amendment argument, saying that Butthole 1 and Butthole 2 (said owners) have had their rights violated – I guess forgetting about the fact that the first amendment isn’t exactly a basis for circumventing civil rights law. You want to sell cakes on the street, in our community, under our laws? You have to sell to everyone equally. Unless they have no shirt or shoes, in which case you can give them no service.

We don’t tolerate shoeless, shirtless people around these parts. Heeyuck.

Fast Times in Forest Grove
Melinda Lucero… remember that name. This Forest Grove resident surrendered to police the other day after a neighbor spotted their stolen flower pot on her porch. As it turns out, she had practically landscaped her entire front yard with items stolen from her neighbors, including a bench, pillows, a ladder, and more.

To make what is essentially the dumbest crime spree of all time even funnier (personally, I hide all the sh*t I steal), you know that neighbor that saw his pot? That neighbor was a cop who was knocking on her door as part of an investigation into all the thefts.

I just… never mind.

While We’re On the Topic of Crime
Back in 2016 Cholo Circulado was chillaxxing (however that is spelt) at the Acropolis strip club in Portland and thought to himself, “hmmm, I wonder what would happen if I shouted some nasty stuff at the stripper and folded my money into a paper airplane and then threw it at her?” Well, Circulado found out posthaste when exotic dancer Ayanne Curcio responded by chucking a beer glass at his head, where upon impact it shattered and lacerated the poor guy’s noggin. Since, Circulado has spent almost $10,000 on medical bills and is now suing the strip club for $50,000.

Though it took an entire year, for some unexplained reason, Curcio was at some point charged with fourth degree assault. Her attorney is not happy, and has said some stuff about it that bored me, so I’m not sharing it with you.

The end. See you next week.

By Johnny Beaver

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