As the State Turns

People In Oregon Are Barfing and Whatnot News of the Week
If you haven’t been sick or know anyone who has this winter season, you’re probably a liar. Nobody likes a liar – just look at Trump’s approval ratings.

Just so you know, I’ve been sick twice since the beginning of December, and I’m pretty sure the bugs were two different flus having a flu-d*ck measuring contest. I shouldn’t be able to recall the nuances of the floor treatment in my bathroom as well as I can right now. Some of my classmates at PSU have been laid out by illnesses three times in that period. Maybe one of those was a hangover. Or maybe they’re liars. Hmm.


We go through this whole “shock report: doctors say blaghrity blahg blah blah, worst flu ever” thing every season, but this time around, sh*t has gotten real. 3,600 reported cases in Oregon may not be a record, but it isn’t good. It’s about 3,599 cases away from being good, give or take an Art Robinson. Whether you got vaccinated or not, you’ve likely had the poos at least once, and nobody really seems to be safe. In fact, two Oregonian kids have died from it already, so I can’t even laugh about turds right now. Unless I go back to the Backwash, because it was less depressing.

Your Sh*tty News of the Week
Speaking of super depressing, a student attending John F. Kennedy High School in Mt. Angel was charged last week with first-degree rape, sex abuse, and attempted sex abuse. The person in question allegedly committed these crimes in 2016, and while 18 now, was a minor at the time. Several complaints have been made in total, and a report by a school resource officer notes another rape accusation from several years prior.

So that’s great.

Your Extremely Big News of the Week (That Hasn’t Happened Yet)
If measure 101 fails, some things are going to happen. If it succeeds? Some other stuff will happen. It will have a lot to do with health care. It will also affect schools, and some other stuff. We will find out on the 23rd. Please, though, don’t hold your breath. That’s in like… five days. I usually keel over after holding it for like a minute and a half.

FBI Agent Accused of Thing Wants Thing Dismissed News of the Week
Remember that one FBI agent that shot at LaVoy Finicum during the whole Malheur thing? Yeah, the one that allegedly fired early and missed and people were all like “oooh, you’re in so much trouble!”

Well, turns out he wants his case dismissed. It seems strange, but my guess is that he doesn’t want to be convicted and sentenced. Shortest distance between A and B, and all that. There’s some other stuff about how there’s no evidence he actually fired the shots but, eh. I think not wanting to go to jail is reason enough. Besides, I don’t really want to read the rest of the story. I just ate this huge dinner and would rather lay down for a bit while I internally process some sewage for the city of Corvallis.

Portland Stuff Nobody Cares About News of the Week

1. Two really old people just got married.

2. Amazon just opened a brand spankin’ new office in the Broadway tower.

3. The Foster-Powell Fred Meyer closed down earlier than expected.

4. There’s supposed to be snow before Spring.

5. Katy Perry, Miranda Lambert, Pink, the Eagles, and Barenaked Ladies will each be in town during 2018.

6. Salem On Ice did really well this year. I know that’s not Portland, but so few people give a sh*t that I feel it has spread out of its region.

Looks Like the Snow Came Early News of the Week
Oh nevermind, that’s just 12,000 pounds of cocaine. The $200 million haul was seized by a Coast Guard crew out of Astoria, and while the buttholes didn’t share it with the rest of the state, they did rescue a few stranded boaters, so I guess they get a pass. This happened just before Christmas, but we’re only hearing about it now because [insert joke here about the coast guard snorting cocaine and getting lost on the high seas].

Sorry. I’d have given you an actual joke, but this way you can imagine it was actually funny.

By Johnny Beaver

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