As the State… Backwashes?

Hi, I’m Sam Campbell. You may recognize my byline from articles such as Crème de la Corvallis, and… well, that’s about it. I’m new, whatever. Because Johnny Beaver has been moaning and groaning about his graduate school workload, I’ll be taking over his disastrously stupid columns. And folks, let me tell you: things are gonna be changing around here. We’re going to make As the State Turns / Linn-Benton Backwash great again. It will be all high brow, all the time, from now on. For example, those disgusting, silly looking eye-sore apartments on Circle near Market of Choice? I’m not the kind of writer that would bring them up again after months and months just to point out that they look like cardboard death traps designed by a drunk middle schooler.

Nope, not I.

Let’s Start With Some Linn-Benton Backwash…
First off, let me be really clear about something: I think Corvallis criminals are lovely (except for Andrew Oswalt, because ew… spray-on beard). Take this woman who recently “embezzled” a grand or so from the pizza joint she worked at in Albany. Our local daily newspaper (my favorite paper ever, the Gazette-Times) used that term to describe it, and I’d have to agree. To call it skimming would be preposterous. “Skimming” is when you use that net to fish human turds out of the pool after a summer party. What’s the name of the pizza place? I don’t remember. Why don’t you look it up yourself, butt hole? No, but really, I mean that in the best possible way. I want the new versions of these columns to help you help yourself. So get the f*ck off my case and learn to Google.

In Corvallis proper, you may have noticed that Oregon State University (or OSU, as some call it) just had its pet day. There’s really nothing more horrifying to me than a bunch of stinking, wild beasts running around pooping and getting their nails trimmed… except for maybe llamas, and there was at least one of those, too. Seriously, what are llamas? Why is their neck so long? Nobody knows, yet we still keep them around as if there were next to no possibility that they’ll one day pull out knives and launch a coordinated strike. Laugh if you want, but the only thing that can stop a bad llama with a knife is a good llama with a knife, and there is no such thing. It’s a paradox. Get used to it.

Over in Albany some sweet action is going down at the hospital. The workers union is all like, “Uh, we want to be fairly compensated and have like, good health benefits and stuff,” while the hospital is all like, “BWAHAHHAHAHHAHA!!!! Yeah, we’re working on it. There’s no strike yet.” But the strike might happen; mostly because of that “BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!” thing. I dunno how these things work. It’s all so confusing. You’re probably gonna need to Google this one as well, but I’d actually recommend that you Google “giant dump” instead. If you scroll down far enough in the images section you’ll find a Minecraft video some guy made where a giant butt poops sand down onto a village. That was awesome.

Rounding things out, apparently there’s a bus driver shortage in the area. Lebanon, Albany, and Corvallis have been affected. If you’re into screaming kids shooting each other with rubber bands and telling you to “f*ck off you ugly old fart, you’re not my mom,” this might be the opportunity of a lifetime. Hell, if I hadn’t landed this totally cushy gig here at the Corvallis Advocate, I’d be all over that shizz. Call me an old fart? I know karate. It’s a good thing those buses have pop-out safety windows, because I’ll flying side-kick a kid right through one. Only in reality I’d trip getting out of my chair to ineffectively yell, fall down the stairs, and they’d drive off with my ride.

Does the State Really Turn?
Hmm! Great question. Let me think about that for a moment… I don’t care.

Anyway, some Oregon guy just won $30,000 playing a scratch off game called Pirate’s Bumrush or something like that, which is great for him. Hopefully he won’t spend it on crack or Democrats. While Johnny Beaver may have launched into some burrito math here, all I’ll say is: no. I don’t do that. Because it’s dumb.

Everyone knows tacos are better.

Elsewhere in Oregon Timothy John Wilson had his “the police violated my privacy by looking under the Portland State University bathroom stall I was whacking the weasel in” appeal denied. According to police he was lying flat on his back with his pants around his ankles, and that’s about the probablest probable cause I’ve ever heard of. Playing devil’s advocate though, you’ve got to do it somewhere, right? I’m pretty sure I saw a guy floating his boat on 4th Ave. somewhere this afternoon, and that’s not cool. Wilson told police that he suffers from mental health problems and has been living on the street for most of his life.

The law doesn’t always prevail, though (if you can call it that). A circuit judge from Multnomah county named Kenneth Walker was just cited by the state Supreme Court for being a piece of poopie and violating someone’s constitutional rights. Last December he was overseeing a case of assault and pretty much blew off the victim and disallowed her to tell her story at her attacker’s sentencing. I believe the quote was “I think Ms. Parks has said enough.” Wow. Maybe he was really hungry and had a pack of Dunkaroos back in his office?

I’m not the only one that reports on crime in the state, by the way. One of my favorite sources is OregonLive, but sometimes… sometimes they’re a little off. Take this headline from last week: “Escaped Multnomah County jail inmate fled because he feared prison sentence, records show.” Uh, it’s like… no sh*t. Why else do you run away from jail? Unless…

…Dunkaroos.

On the Horizon!
Next week we’ll resume the normal As the State Turns / Linn-Benton Backwash schedule and format, only better than ever. Because of me, Sam Campbell. Who is definitely not Johnny Beaver, but a totally different person. In the meantime, I’d like to ask that you consider continuing to take this all very seriously, and sum up your thoughts in hate mail. There’s nothing quite like getting bizarre, hand-written reckonings from the most bizarre Corvallisites, I’m told. Besides, while we here at The Corvallis Advocate are always about upwards and onwards, we’re also suckers for tradition.

Linn-Benton Backwash and As The State Turns are a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.
By Sam Campbell
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