Linn-Benton Backwash

Last week, Lebanon firefighters put a stop to a fire (go figure) at Kevin’s Cafe before it got out of hand. As someone who frequents Lebanon, many personal thanks. Downtown is finally rocking after years of… not rocking… and losing a local business to such a tragedy would’ve really sucked. I should also note that Lebanon police have found no link between this fire and the bucket of chicken stolen from Safeway on 12th. I have my suspicions, but they’re the professionals.

Albany was rocked last week with a whole hell of a lot of nothing. Seriously, nothing is going on there. Some hubbub about a park, some people pooped, etc. That’s it. Your standard fare.

In the spirit of the recent Trump administration move to ban the Centers for Disease Control from using certain words in their budget documentation, Corvallis has released their own set of banned words designed to make life miserable for certain individuals. These include sustainability, inclusivity, gluten, holistic, committee, appropriation, and Volvo. Another list was generated targeting this column, but I managed to convince them we’d have a riot on our hands if nobody could say sh*t, as*, butts, so, er, poop, or use parentheses with little (or completely without) regard for the sanctity of grammar.

In other news, Santa will be skipping Corvallis and the surrounding region this year because he’s not real, and if you tell your children he is, you are perpetuating a lie that will leave psychological scars not even time can heal. They’ll grow up just to take on hundreds of thousands of dollars in student loans and wind up writing terrible copy like this.

You don’t think this copy is terrible enough? Snoke dies, Luke dies (not really), Rey’s parents were nobodies (maybe / probably), Phasma dies (probably), Leia doesn’t die (as in, the character), and Chewbacca eats the Porg (or rather, he should have). How about now?

By Johnny Beaver

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