Linn-Benton Backwash

Corvallis residents were shocked last week to find that their population was only around 60,000 or so, and that half of that was made up of students. One citizen who wished to stay anonymous gasped, “You mean to tell me we’re not the center of the Oregon universe? I call bullsh*t.” He is currently being treated for extreme denial disorder at Samaritan Regional Medical Center, and is never expected to make a recovery. Meanwhile, a small but merry gang of Corvallisites have successfully hitch-hiked up I-5 with cardboard signs attempting to spread the word of their very existence. Currently, they’re camped out near the 405 on ramp where drunk PSU students go to piss after a night at The Cheerful Tortoise.

* cough *

Last week Albany saw some sweet SWAT action when parolee Rudy Rodriguez holed up in a house with a couple of people (they’re doing just fine) and refused to come out. Snipers were set up, dudes in dorky, floppy fishing hats were walking about with guns and stuff. Right when they were about to bust through the windows and put him in a headlock to remember, he gave up. And that’s about it.

A nasty house fire occurred in Lebanon last week that is reported as having been caused by the refrigerator. What the appliance’s motives are is anyone’s guess. In all seriousness though, we’re glad everyone made it out okay.

Ever heard of Amity? Me neither. But apparently some big annual agricultural expo happened there. There were tractors, and other things that are like tractors, but not quite. Several cowboy hats were spotted, and at least one pair of overalls. A chapter of the Future Farmers of America were there, which reminds me of when they got busted in high school for having porn on the computer. Let’s see. People got into heated discussions about filberts, so that’s cool. Super glad I missed it.

By Johnny Beaver

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