Linn-Benton Backwash

Last Wednesdaynot yesterday, but last week… the week before this one, some douchebag made a number of threats against Lebanon Walmart employees after having his heart broken by one of them (not literally, like… they were dating). Fearing that the dude, 19-year-old Samuel Ayres, had gone into Walmart with a gun, police evacuated the store post-haste. Said douchebag was taken down by cops the next day after the car he was riding in was stopped. Sucks to have your shopping trip disrupted, but honestly, my worry here is for Ayres. He’s likely banned from the store now, and there’s practically nowhere else to shop in that town.

Over in Albany some stuff happened. I’m sure of it.

Thanks to my expert reporting on the menigoalcaoockerel outbreak last week, Oregon State University has run a big, greasy, free vaccination clinic and now everyone is safe. Yay! But seriously, if you’re not vaccinated, take advantage of health services. Mengingaocalhgperococcal disease can make your as* cheeks fall off and your kneecaps explode. But actually, seriously, do get vaccinated.

The Lebanon Log: Not a whole hell of a lot has been going on lately outside of the Walmart excitement; just the usual rapid-fire burglaries and thefts; a debit card here, a TV there, a fountain drink over there. Lame. Not all is lost, though. Some high school kid got busted on the 6th actin’ a fool with Playboy Bunny cards, a scenario that is both hilarious and sad; someone, get this kid the Internet already. The very next day, there was a bit of high stakes escalation in some neighborhood warfare (not really). Apparently, Person A had been tossing turkey feed (whatever that may be) onto Person B’s car at night. Turkeys then sh*t all over said car, so Person B gets angry. Rinse, repeat. Here’s to hoping this ends in an incident of human sh*tting, or at least a bit of fisticuffs. You Lebanites are killing me, here.

By Johnny Beaver

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