Last week in Corvallis, a number of local writers and editors combined their efforts to release a free alternative publication. The best part of it was the “Linn-Benton Backwash” and “As the State Turns” columns, where expert Johnny Beaver offered up a plethora of idiotic statements that dove in and out of satire like a game of Whack-A-Mole. It was so good, that it inspired me to go back to school for advanced science, invent a time machine, and travel into the past so I could invent the column first. And do some other stuff where I have the same name as him. Hashtag success. Though I probably should have reworked the business model to include mugshots and dog costumes… that seems to be popular right now.
Also last week (but of much less importance) was Kate Brown’s action to appoint a new judge to Linn County. The seat vacated by retiring Judge Carol Hashagen will be filled by Fay Stetz-Waters, who has been working as a civil rights investigator at OSU – OSU being a school located here in Corvallis that you probably haven’t heard of. Stetz-Waters has a long career involving all sorts of things not listed here, but can be researched via the world’s premiere search engine website, AskJeeves.com. Congratulations on the job, Fay! And please remember I said so if I ever have to stand before you.
On the weirder and frankly scarier end of things, Christy Bert of Scio was slapped with an arson charge for torching the house of one of her family members while they were still inside. So that’s cool.
Last but not least, considering how we’ve been on the roll lately of criticizing missed opportunities in naming: the Lebanon police named their new K-9 unit “Lexi Honor.” Apparently a thousand some odd people were polled, and that’s all they could come up with. How about you use the next line to offer up an alternative that’s maybe a little less… bad?
By Johnny Beaver