After being blinded by Ryan Lochte’s obnoxious silver hair, I had almost forgotten that swimming was even a sport. Well, it is. And Lebanon High School student Casey McEuen just set records for some stuff called the “5A state” 50-yard and 100-yard somethin’ or other. His time in one of these things was 20.60, which surpassed the previous record by .20. Which sounds like almost nothing, but much like landing a final lame light punch in a Street Fighter II: Turbo Edition battle, it’s all that it took (and was significantly more worthy). Congratulations, my dude. I can’t even get in the water because I’m afraid of potential lobsters.
Speaking of water and record-setting, over 600 people did the Polar Plunge in Corvallis. They helped jockey in over $50,000 for the Special Olympics, which is amazing. Not only is the water insanely cold, but they run the risk of encountering a murder of ice lobsters. These are seriously the bravest folks around.
Senator Ron Wyden had a rip-roaring town hall meeting in Corvallis last Monday, and I’m still recovering (and I didn’t even go). What a dream boat. Also, I’m proud to announce that there were no reported attacks from uh… town hall-dwelling lobsters. Yes, this lobster theme is going to last until the end of this week’s edition.
Pooooop, on the waaater… a fire in the skyyyeee. There was no fire, but all this recent rainfall did cause a bunch of raw sewage to come tumblin’ out of the wastewater facilities in both Millersburg and Albany. And tumble it did—right into a bunch of places it shouldn’t be, including Crooks Creek in Millersburg. For an idea of scale, chew on this: the pump that was supposed to prevent this, but stopped working… is rated to suck 800 gallons of turdwater per minute through the pipes.
I’ll leave it to you to figure out how lobsters fit into that last one…
By Johnny Beaver