Studies have shown that our level of Christmas merriment is dependent upon the quality, quantity, and proximity of breathtaking Christmas light displays. Many of us consider these to be dark times, so perhaps some glimmering lights in the freezing air can serve as a temporary antidote to the crushing uncertainty ahead. I struck out to find some of the best lights in the area in search of distraction from our society’s proximity to total collapse. Of course, you and I might not be afraid of the same stuff, so feel free to replace my fear of corporate oligarchs with yours of globalist cucks or whatever suits you. Either way, here are the essential four stops to make for those interested in mainlining some robust cheer.
4. Courthouse, Corvallis
Here we had nothing over the top, a nice big tree and wreath, and a moderate amount of lights on the building and surrounding flora. The display is quaint and charming, but nowhere near enough to make me forget about the army of white supremacists that support the President. Citizens of Corvallis: donate your decorations to the city. We may need a bigger distraction next year.
3. Grand Oaks, Corvallis
The Grand Oaks subdivision is off of SW West Hills Road. Only one out of every few houses was decorated, but I took what I could get. Most displays were pretty conventional, single or multicolored strands outlining the roof and windows, but some took it a little further. A favorite out here were those neat projectors that shoot a light pattern onto the garage. Some further exploration yielded some nativity scenes, plenty of classic Santa and snowman statues, and the ultimate shining diamond of holiday decorations: the inflatable cartoon minion wearing a Santa hat. One look at that minion and my anxieties started to fade. God bless that thing.
2. The Pastega Christmas Light Display, Benton County Fairgrounds
This was the big one, the real mind-eraser. My neurons were firing so hard from all the previous lights that I’m surprised I made it through this one alive. This was a drive-through display; I rolled down my window upon approach to hear both “The 12 Days of Christmas” and “Carol of the Bells” blasting simultaneously to form some kind of bizarre holiday mashup. The first section treated me to all 12 days of Christmas, which amounted to a row of brightly lit paintings, one for each day. If I had to pick a favorite, ten-lords-a-leaping for sure. Those lords helped me to totally forget that net neutrality is a thing of the past. Thanks, fellas.
The next section was the big party. Life-sized wooden cutouts of our most beloved Christmas characters lit up the dark: the Peanuts kids, ET complete with his glowing finger, Batman and Superman, and of course, my best friends the Minions were partying the hardest of all. Darth Vader was standing toward the back of the party with Queen Amidala, a touching reminder that Christmas can help mend even the most tumultuous of family relationships. The Pastega display was Christmas turned up to eleven, and just what I was jonesing for. They’re also accepting canned food for the needy, you know what to do.
1. The Christmas Reaper
The Pastega display would normally be the crescendo of a list like this, but the greatest and most heavy metal of Christmas displays is on Ferry Street and Pacific Boulevard in Albany. Wrapped in multicolored lights is a 12 foot high grim reaper riding a giant motorcycle. It is the physical embodiment of a Judas Priest Christmas album. Do we deserve to stand in the presence of such intense beauty? It’s not my call to make, but as I gazed upon it, I felt a glimmer of hope for the new year. Even if that glimmer is completely unfounded, the reaper represents the inevitability of death, the only sure bet we have. A little certainty might keep us warm this winter.
And there you have it – a short list, but not without some essential charm. Whether you’re terrified of genocidal alt-righties or the snowflake libs coming to take your guns and sell anybody under the sun a wedding cake, let us agree that we are all horrified and we all love the lights. In the holiday spirit of brotherly love, let us just agree to enjoy said holiday and try to treat everyone with respect this month.
Of course, all bets are off on Jan 1 if nobody gets their sh*t together. Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, we love you.
By Jay Sharpe