Probably the best part of this column is writing about current events that will be over, in some capacity or another, by the time anyone reads it. I find this especially hilarious when I get to warn about something really cool that you then have no chance to witness. However, this isn’t what I’m doing here. No siree. This paragraph is here because Hurricane Irma seems to be required news for all news sources – major mainstream and local alike. So check that box, censors. As for the rest of you, you should know by now just to skip the current section when I start going off on some kind of nonsensical narrative.
Also, I had knockoff Frosted Mini-Wheats this morning and they were alright. I didn’t drink the milk because milk is bizarre and disgusting. Only, then I was sad because I forgot it was almond milk and I could’ve drunken it after all. Damn it, you know? Never catch a break.
Fire-Panickers, Things Are Looking Up
And also, a Republican actually did something in government. Let’s just take a moment to appreciate that.
Dear Leader-ish Greg Walden has bum rushed congress with a bill designed to speed up the cleanup and reforestation in the Columbia River Gorge and some other places (foresty places I assume). Here’s an excerpt:
“Hello dudes, Greg Walden here, of Oregon fame. Sometime within 30 days after we put these cursed hellfires out, a plan will be in place. That plan will allow for speedy stuff to occur that will remove the satanic pock-marks of doom from the glory of our state’s… ground. Grounds. State grounds. It’ll involve laws and timelines and all things that are good. Mmmm, creamy. Creamy Bailey’s.”
I’ve got no clue what he’s talking about there at the end, but it sounds delicious.
In all seriousness though, people. Calm down. Fire is a natural part of a forest’s lifecycle. It sucks, but it’ll be better for it. I learned that in 7th grade, and was reminded by a really smart local ^&@$! that just very deservedly got into a graduate program in some kinda science-y field. Congratulations, from all of us here at The Corvallis Advocate. Actually, only me.
Portland to Do The Thing
Our friends at the Portland Police Depot have made a public statement. Basically it is that they are going to stop labeling humans as gang members, as the practice has affected non-whites disproportionately. Around the middle of October, they’ll be sending out some notes to several hundred people on its Super Cool Gang List letting them know that they’re going to kick the info in the nards and toss it in the river, never to be seen again.
The police say they don’t expect the violence to disappear (or anything equally ridiculous, I’m sure), but they do expect it to make things a lot easier on those who have walked away from gang life and are trying to re-enter the workforce, etc. I’m guessing they’re saying this because it’s common sense, and probably should have been put in place a while ago.
According to Oregon Public Broadcasting, the Portland Coppers released a review from last year that showed them having labeled over a hundred people as gang affiliated without arresting or convicting a single one of them.
Washington Rep Casts
a Lonely Vote
Jaime Herrera Beutler, Washington Republican extraordinaire, cast the only Northwest vote in opposition of disaster aid last week. The measure included about $100 million for wildfire relief, $15 billion for hurricane aid, and some stuff about a “debt limit increase,” whatever the hell that is.
Her reasoning didn’t sound completely crazy, having stated that she didn’t support a debt limit increase because there was no plan to pay it off. That’s a reasonable enough line of thinking for a down-vote, if you don’t take into consideration the fact that politics are about compromise and there’s a bunch of people that just had a hurricane or two shoved up their as*. And the fact that it is completely unreasonable to try and freeze up government over waiting for a solution that is going to take a long *@%! time. And that’s in italics, so you know I mean business.
But hey, it’s tough talk. That’s also part of politics. And there’s 89 other congressfolk who also realized that there was no way this wasn’t going to pass, seizing the opportunity to stand their ground.
By Johnny Beaver