As the State Turns

There Goes the Neighborhood, Eventually
As I woke up this morning and consumed a large glass of strawberry lemonade and some aspirin, over the hangover-related screams in my brain, I heard a little voice that said “hey, hey you. As*hole. It’s been a while since you’ve discussed the impending mega-quake in As the State Turns.” So here I am, to do just that. Can’t disappoint the voice in my head, of course. Wouldn’t want it to make me ride the Max with no pants on again.

So. MEGAQUAKE. For starters, I am sorry. It hasn’t happened yet – as is evidenced by our continued existence, and the fact that Art Robinson hasn’t raised his army of marauding cave trolls from the boiling depths. However, geologists have been discovering tons of new quake faults all over the Cascadia Subduction Zone, which is a thing I’m sure you already know all about. Most of these geologists are also complaining that there’s not enough data to keep track of what’s going on, and given the fact that the whole area is capable of a 7.0 earthquake on land and 8.0 to 9.0 ones offshore, well… this doesn’t sound like a recipe for success, to quote every middle school teacher, ever.

Most of this talk is usually followed by a threat of “The Big One,” which happens once every 200 to 800 years or so. This is, in turn, followed by superscript that says the previous number is referring to offshore events, while the land based numbers look more like once every 1,000 to 5,000 years. Not that it makes a difference, because it’ll hit when it hits, and there’s not a damn thing we can do about it. Besides move, anyway. But if we’re being honest here, I’d take an earthquake to the face over Florida any day.

Pipe-Turner: Guilty
You may remember Portlander Leonard Higgins from feature presentations as That One Guy Who Turned Off That One Pipeline in Montana And Got Arrested and… I guess that’s the only one he was in. Well anyway, he was just found guilty by a jury of his peers. One count of misdemeanor trespassing, and one count of felony mischief. Mischief, really? Regardless of facts and motivations, the guy went and shut off an oil pipeline with his bare (maybe) hands. I feel like that deserves at least a “felony aggravated tampering,” or something cool like that. Maybe a single count of “felony kicking The Man in the nards.”

We won’t know what his exact sentence will be until that sweet, sticky justice is dispersed come January, but he is unapologetic, continuing to state that he had to do it for his kids. How modest. Clearly this was for the entire human race.

As an added bit of interest, some fat coverage on the topic over at HuffPost repeatedly references information published by the Corvallis Gazette Times. Damn, are they really that hard up? Hashtag Trump’s America, I guess.

PSU Body: Arrests Made
That’s a fairly terrible headline, I know, but… like I said, hangover. A legit excuse.

Whether you were previously informed by a reputable news agency or not, a body was found near Portland State University earlier this month. The 21-year-old man was dead from a gunshot wound, and was reported shortly after witnesses said they heard shooting and saw some people running away from the scene. While details regarding exactly what happened remained foggy, the coppers nabbed one Nicholas Hannan and accused him of murder after he went to a hospital for treatment; apparently having been injured in the incident. They also snatched up David Brown and charged him with third degree assault.I hope Hannan’s injury was serious, because he might as well have just walked into the police station, slapped some cuffs on himself, and said, “I’m guilty.”

You’re Not Going to Believe This, But…
Another guy did the same exact thing, sort of, when he reported to a Portland hospital on Thanksgiving after having been shot by his own mother. Evidence at the scene suggests they had both fired at each other, but I guess she was the better shot. Altrenia Wilson was subsequently slapped with a great big buttload of charges, including domestic violence and first degree assault, while buddy boy, Seville Caldwell scooped up a few counts of reckless endangering and illegal discharge of a firearm.

There’s about a dozen brilliant Thanksgiving-themed one liners I could deliver right now, but in the spirit of the season, I’ll spare you.

By Johnny Beaver

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