As the State Turns

Biggest Ever Poaching Bust is Biggest Ever
Well, it really wasn’t the biggest ever, but in Trump’s America one can pretty much exaggerate at will. A pretty sizable bust, though, as busts go. Bryan Tretiak, William Haynes, Erik Martin, and the Dill Brothers (not sure if they’re brothers, but I also don’t care), Joseph and Eddy, managed to go out and poach themselves almost 200 effing charges. 

Ranging from illegal stuff to droppin’ corpse ruffage all over the place, these jagoffs (sort of like “j*ckoffs,” but guaranteed to not get censored) performed their little song and dance throughout parts of south Washington and Oregon. A couple of other people got some lesser charges, but nobody seems to care about them in the mainstream state media, so I don’t either. Just following the AP standard, ya know?

Like a scene out of that John Wayne Gacy movie starring that one guy from Teen Wolf and Pee-wee’s Big Adventure and… holy sh*t, Leprechaun (I love that movie), when the coppers raided these yokels’ homes they found nearly 30 deer heads and some other parts. Also a box of dildos, I’m guessing.

Additional evidence turned up showing over 100 illegal killings of everything from elk to bears, cougars, bobcats, and even a freakin’ squirrel. A squirrel, guys? Come on. I’d like to see the trophy photo pose for that one, you douche bags.

Haynes will get his day in court on December 11. I’m assuming they’ll announce other court dates soon. Should be a good bit of amusement just before The Last Jedi drops on December 15.

Seriously, dudes. I suggest you get used to moldy bologna and flip-flops, because you’re likely headed for the big house.

Oregon to Dump Recyclables in the Dump
Man, China. Am I right? First it was North Korea and their inability to make decisions that we want them to make because of reasons. And now? They just banned a bunch of waste imports that include a metric bungload of recyclable paper and plastic. Because the pacific northwest seriously relies on selling them our re-workable trash, and Oregon in particular is full of do-gooder, environmentalist-recyclin’ wimps, we’re now facing a crisis: where the hell do we put all this stuff? The Oregon Department of Environmental Quality seems to think that we may have to end up just dumping it in landfills.

While this sounds kind of crazy (and it is), the DEQ says this will  be done on a case by case basis, and only when absolutely necessary. They personally assured me that they’re working very hard to find new buyers. They did this when they called me and I answered, and they were like “Hey Johnny, what’s up? We’re working hard to find new buyers. And we call you personally all the time.”

While all of this is being sorted out, officials have asked people to be extra careful that they’re sorting their recyclables properly, as a lot of stuff gets tossed in the bin that doesn’t adhere to standards. Keeping the volume of this material accurate will help keep it low.

Klopp Gets Klobbered
Remember Steven Klopp, the peg-faced goober that spat on an Indian PSU grad and her parents this June? He just got sentenced to a year and a half in prison because it violated the terms of his parole; he had been sentenced last year for throwing a trashcan at a bus. 

For some perspective, keep in mind that this occurred just a few weeks after piece-of-human-trash Jeremy Christian assaulted two girls and then stabbed three men who came to their defense, killing two of them. Klopp, who is homeless and diagnosed with schizoeffective disorder, has admitted his behavior as being racially motivated.

Being someone who suffers from mental illness myself, I’m a little uncomfortable white-knighting from behind a keyboard with the name-calling and all that, but the fact remains that nobody should have to walk around and be subjected to that sh*t. Since starting graduate school at PSU just a few weeks back, I’ve already encountered two women on the street that were too afraid to walk to the bus station alone, and one instance of a rich meathead getting out of his Porsche Boxster in traffic and threatening a woman at her car window who had accidentally cut him off. We’re not even talking Hazelwood or whatever, this is around 5th and Broadway.

While I’ve got no idea how Klopp’s diagnosis has played into the situation, once again we’re faced with  an absolutely pathetic mental health system failing everyone involved.

By Johnny Beaver

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