As the State Turns

EMERGENCY UPDATE: CRATER LAKE WARNING
Thanks to a feature story by Oregon Public Broadcasting, I am shocked… just absolutely shocked to announce that hiking around Crater Lake in the winter is a huge pain in the ass. Consequently, it is also “not a picnic.” Apparently the terrain becomes covered in snow and ice, which is quite difficult to trudge through and slippery to hike on, respectively.

Experts on the matter have been charged with devising an explanation for the phenomenon, but so far have only offered stupid comments like “Well, it’s really cold that time of year, and that’s the kind of weather you get when it’s cold… so…” and “Johnny, look. I’ve tried to be nice, but you keep asking the same stupid questions over and over. I like you, but you’re gonna need to get the f*ck out of my face or I’m calling the cops.” Well guess what, Dr. Smartypants, I pocketed a Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card the last time I played Monopoly, so who will be laughing last, butthole?

Real Life Facts: 1. Climate Change: 0.

Rare As the State Turns Sports Update
Portland’s National Women’s Soccer League team, the Thorns, bamboozled the Orlando Pride (again… seriously, they always beat them) for a victorious 4 – 1 victory last weekend. This means that the Thorns have earned admission into the championships, during which they will face off against the North Carolina Courage and the Nambia Red Hats; though I may have fudged some of those details.

Here’s to hoping the Thorns continue to [insert violent verb here] all the teams until they’re the last one, because they’re awesome.

Also the Beavers lost to USC. Not really sure why they did that, but I’m sure they have their reasons.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
First off, the good: 85 million smackeroos is about to go flying out the state Department of Revenue’s porthole, $34 million of which will be going to schools. The rest goes to all the other good stuff, like the cops, drug treatment stuff, mental health stuff, and some other stuff. Go drugs!

Now, for the bad, and the ugly: The Republican Party from Multnomah County has announced that it’s going to go ahead with its plans to auction off a semi-automatic rifle towards the end of the year. Like… despite that whole Las Vegas mass shooting tragedy. And common sense. And common decency. And really even just political strategy. #lol

According to party President Ratfink Targaryen, “We have to keep the raffle going because it was planned a while ago, and it’s basically too late to disembark the raffle train. This party has one speed: go.” President Targaryen, whose real name is Frank Martin, made sure to mention that the weapon they’re rafflin’ off is different from those used by mass murderer Stephen Paddock because it’s not equipped with the same modifications. Good to know, bud.

He also mentioned that ticket sales have remained steady, and that John Snow is actually Rhaegar’s son.

Nudity at the Courthouse
When one sees these words in Oregon, the first image that comes to mind probably involves a messy-haired dope smoker running around in handcuffs with their pants off. The second image is probably the same, as is the third. In fact, we have to get all the way down to the 32nd image in order to get to what actually happened recently in Clackamas County.

Let’s frame this properly. Say you’re a gaggle of Sheriff’s deputies. You’re sittin’ around wearing beige or whatever, fighting crime, when suddenly one of you stands up and says “you know what, it’d be really cool if we staged a nude photoshoot and turned it into a calendar for our friend, who is about to retire!” Everyone cheers. Great idea. Though perhaps it should have been done somewhere that wasn’t like, in the Oregon City courthouse and stuff. With firefighter hats and other paraphernalia over their junk. Or with full-on butts bent over desks and images that include both assault rifles and cats and shirtless dudes in flower beds.

What might sound kind of hilarious on the surface becomes a lot less funny when you find out that the anonymous letter that outed the whole shebang goes into how the shoot was intended to mock homosexual men. It’s also probably not super funny for civil division leader Capt. Dave O’Shaughnessy, a nearly 25-year veteran who just got put on leave.

By Johnny Beaver

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