As the State Turns

Believe It Or Not, There’s Still More Eclipse News
But don’t worry, I’m not going to brow-beat you with it, because my word, can we please just let the damn eclipse go already? Raise your hand if you care about Grant County business owners and their “do we stay open for more people or not,” life and death conundrum? Exactly… I see no hands. Maybe that’s because this is text and I can’t see you through it, but still. Everyone grab some black construction paper and fire up a Mobius fax to Oregon Public Broadcasting. Hit them hard until they experience totality themselves and their ink runs out. Take that, you bastards. Please report on other stuff.

By the way, for those of you that still haven’t figured out this is a totally stupid sarcasm, parody-kind-of column: please don’t send OPB a Mobius fax. They will star-69 your as*es and you’ll go to jail. Or worse yet, you’ll wind up lambasted on Corvallis people for any number of personal infractions that will be outed in the process.

Down With the Sanctuary State!
That’s what some people are saying, anyway. Yep, there’s a campaign to repeal OR8743-334 (I’m sure that’s what the law was called), which aids undocumented immigrants in some totally wily and insidious ways, I’m sure. At the time of writing, the petition has some amount of the 88,184 signatures from total numskulls they need. You can view some boring tables of data on it yourself by plugging the following link into your browser of choice: http://egov.sos.state.or.us/elec/web_irr_search.record_detail?p_reference=20180022..LSCYYY

Please don’t Mobius fax these folks either, by the way. Though you’re probably free and clear to look them up on Facebook and viciously block their accounts. Or poop-emoji them in an open forum online. Everybody loves the poop emoji… Except for TJ Miller, Anna Faris, and Patrick Stewart and company right now. Though I’m going to go see that sh*t anyway.

There’s a bunch of things to think and talk about here, but I’d like to use my last bit of space to mention that Dennis Richardson has been screwing with the rules around petitions so that they can gather an unlimited number of signatures before the due date. Sounds like a Dennis Richardson kind of thing to do, doesn’t it? Next, he’ll be petitioning the Olympic committee to allow sprinters to run an unlimited number of times in search of their fastest splits. Or working on that project to get live-kitten strangling legalized.

The good news is that sparks are flying as far as opposition to the opposition goes, so the fight is surely far from over.

People Get Loud Up On the Mayor
Let’s face it: I suck at slang. Let’s just keep this moving.

Recently, Portland city councilors, as well as the Mayor himself, got a face full of criticism over three proposed ordinances that could reshape police bureau operations. It’s not that the ordinances are bad, per se, it’s that they’re not good enough. It’s like paying $10 for an ice cream Sunday, and all you get is a Wednesday. ::ba-dum dum, pish::

The first of the ordinances would require coppers who make use of deadly force to be all like “Hey, dudes, this is why I did it,” within 48 hours, barring a damn good reason to need longer (ie. they’re on the toilet and can’t get up or something).

The second? Some kind of boring thing to do with the Portland Commission on Community-Engaged Policing, possibly involving at least one other acronym. Yawn. Too complicated, bored now.

The third ordinance enables the Independent Police Review to say things like “woah woah woah, here’s a recommendation to follow your internal affairs investigation when officer misconduct is involved.”

There’s a long, complicated story attached to why the public generally has a problem with the scope of these proposals, but I’ll sum it up for you: “We don’t want a Band-Aid, we want a &^#@! solution.”

And rightly so.

Multnomah Sues Big Pharma
For the public nuisance of improper opioid distribution. Johnson & Johnson (“huhuhuh” – Beavis) Purdue, and 21 other drug companies are named, as well as a smattering of prescribing physicians.

::picks up a megaphone::

WHAT DO WE HAVE? A DRUG EPIDEMIC!

WHAT DO WE WANT? LESS DRUGS… AND $250 MILLION!

HOW’RE WE GONNA GET IT? SUE!

I’m as bad at protest chants as I am at slang.

By Johnny Beaver

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