As the State Turns

Eclipse Madness
Got your special glasses (also known as extra dark sunglasses)? Check. Got your $1500 camping spot in a ditch somewhere? Check. Got your parking space in downtown Corvallis? Okay, that last one was a joke. We’re approaching solar eclipse madness, folks (as the headline suggests), and I’m here to talk about it so by the time it rolls around, you’ll be so sick of the topic that you’ll look up, go blind, shrug, and go back inside. You’ll still be able to hear Game of Thrones, of course… but oh well. It’s better than having to hear and see it, am I right? In a perfect world those production resources would’ve gone to a little more Peter Capaldi, and a little less “let’s tease everyone with the promise of high fantasy, but only deliver brooding, interpersonal nonsense.” Seriously, to hell with that show.


Um.. oh yeah. So, when suggests a day’s “craziness could resemble the zombie apocalypse,” you know you’re in for a treat. Some Oregon counties, like Grant, are seemingly spawning camp sites like a wolf spider spawns thousands of little babies that fly all over the place and try to live in your ear canal. Eastern Oregon University is selling dorm rooms for $500 (over the three-day weekend). Private citizens are renting out their RVs, front yards, kiddie pools, trees, roofs, Hyundais, lawn chairs, and fence posts in a desperate attempt to capitalize on the event that would make even the Ferengi blush.

On the other side of things, the Oregon Department of Forestry is responding by having an “oh fuuuuuuuudge” moment, begging land owners – and everyone else for that matter – to try and not set the forests on fire when the supposed 1 million or more visitors start spreading out all over the state. It is suggested that campers not set the grass, trees, bushes, themselves, or portable toilets ablaze in their exuberance. Personally, I’m not sure what joy can be found in a celestial event without a good toilet fire, but they’re the experts. Still, if you’re going to do it anyway, please use the one at the end of your hall, and not the hole the Bundy gang dug on the Malheur refuge.

That’s right, I’ll never be done with the Bundy’s dung pit.

Oregon’s Health Care Stabilizing?
Wait a second, aren’t we in a death spiral? Some idiots that know way more than I do have been punching their calculators, Googling the Internet, and some other stuff that has led them to believe that the disaster Oregon calls its healthcare marketplace is actually becoming stable. The only stability I’ve noticed in my health care is consistent charges for preventative care that they find ways to reclassify. “Medical equipment that stops you from dying? That’s not preventative, you silly bastard, that’s equipment.”

Still, hoorah.

Stuff That Doesn’t Deserve Its Own Section
They’re building a huge library in east Multnomah. It’s going to be bigger than the Portland Central Library, and is likely to be filled with books and the occasional illegal webcam show. This will all be contained within walls, doors and windows. It is estimated to contain 1 billion square feet, and will likely not happen in the future. When asked for comment, one official said, “I like turtles.”

Speaking of waters (because turtles use water), folks are kicking the Eastern Oregon Dam in the nards so fish can get through easier, so you can eventually eat them. In other water news, there have been some shark sightings off the coast, but who cares because it’s totally normal (then why is everyone reporting on it?).

Also, some fires sprung up on federal land in Oregon earlier in the month, and suspicion experts are suspicious that it may be connected to military stuff going on in the same area at the same time. Spent flares were found near the fires. Yeah, okay, so they started them. What were they supposed to do, just let the invisible, pretend enemy missiles hit them without dropping a flare to distract it? In all honesty though, can’t they just use LEDs? I’ve been replacing all my lightbulbs with those and am really happy with the change.

By Johnny Beaver

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