As the State Turns

Oregon Fun-Stuff Company Does Thing in Other State
Because Washington is way up there in “Don’t Really Care” land, I just now heard about a recent Ferris wheel accident where a trio of fun-lovin’ carnival/fair riders went tumbling over the side of their people-cart. Of the two women and one young boy that fell, just one of them (not the kid, so it’s okay to still make fun of this) was injured in any serious fashion. I guess they didn’t fall very far. If I dropped from even 15 feet or so I’m sure I’d never get back up again. If not from injuries, it’d be from laziness.

Anyhow, the death trap they were riding, “The Phoenix Wheel” (#eyeroll), looks like a real boring piece of crap, so this is probably the most interesting thing to ever happen to it. The company, “Funtastic Rides” (you seriously can’t make this sh*t up), is Oregon-based. That means I get to talk about it here guilt-free, which I did (just now). Also, they’re blaming the riders, saying they were fidgeting around when they were instructed to not move. Bystanders, on the other hand, say they’re big fat liars, and that the people only started moving once their little riding compartment thingy started falling apart. So that’s cool.

Personally, I don’t have to worry about this kind of thing, because the rollercoaster at Enchanted Forest scared me half to death as a child and I won’t set foot on anything like it ever again.

Skrah Bites the Big One
Five big ones, anyway. Well, medium ones. The ex-Oregon sheriff, Frank Skrah, was just found guilty of five charges of misdemeanor excessive force and might get a whopping whole year in jail. He was acquitted of some stuff, too, so he’s not all bad. I mean really, what were his crimes? He just strangled one dude with a flashlight, choked another guy out, and pimp-slapped another over the course of three years. No biggie.

Looking forward to the sentencing. If anyone wants to throw a sentencing party, I’ll drink the tequila. Yep, drink—not bring.

Mother’s Day Fun
Of course there was the shooting of a perfectly decent screen door in Lebanon, but two other incidents have been making bigger waves (though I can’t say why).

The first involves Tyler Kern of West Linn (note to self: don’t move there), who supposedly shot off a gun and assaulted his mom after arguing about somethin’ or other. Police were called and surrounded the house, during which time the guy pointed a gun at said mother and shot into the ceiling. He was slapped with menacing, assault, strangulation… all the good stuff.

And of course there’s the Joshua Webb incident. He killed his mom and wandered into a grocery store carrying her head (sans body), then stabbed an employee. This all happened near Estacada (note to self: don’t move there, or drive through there).

I love living in a country that neither respects, nor cares for, the mentally ill.

Oregon Politics Surprise No One
With ex-FBI director Robert Mueller in the driver’s seat as far as kicking the Trump Administration in the ham ‘n’ eggs, Oregon politicians are responding exactly as anyone from Oregon would expect them to. Let us summarize:

Oregon Democrats: Yay for democracy.

Oregon Grand Ole Pudwhackers: *&%#! WITCH HUNT, MAN.

Oregon Public Broadcasting: Let’s write a whole article about this sh*t!

Corvallis Advocate: Let’s include a little bit about this in a single article about a lot of stuff, written by a jacka*s.

Speaking of Summarizing Poorly
The battle of wolves and wolfy things rages in Portland as wolf supporters support wolves, and some ranchers who don’t support wolves continue to not support them. There’s also a conservation plan, but I’m fairly certain I just gave you everything you need to form an opinion.

Just in case, though, here’s something from Oregon Fish and Wildlife Commission chair-holder Michael Finley: “This is a very divisive issue.”

The Foul-Mouthed Bandit of Portland
Police are currently hunting down a bank robber that uses language profane enough to be worth mentioning. He’s robbed four banks so far, and likely could pay you more to not turn him in than what the police are offering for information ($5,000). Though you could always just double-cross the guy, I guess. I’ve never double-crossed anyone, but I’ve always wanted to.

He has been seen wearing the very unique clothing combination of a hoodie and a hat. No gun has been seen, but he has sworn that he has one. Pretty sure I just punned quite magnificently.

By Johnny Beaver

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