As the State Turns

Old Red Poncho People Lose Their Minds, Do YMCA
When I woke up this morning, I had no idea that the first thing I’d see is a bunch of singing, protesting old people in red ponchos doing the YMCA dance. But boy am I glad for it! Not really.

PGE, or Portland General Electric as us intellectuals call them, has sent a note on over to the Oregon Department of Environmental Quality, and the Department of Energy.

The end. See ya next week!

Oh, You Wanted to Know the Content?
Alrighty, so here’s the deal: PGE has put a stop to plans for permitting two brand spankin’ new natural gas facilities. They mumbled something about stakeholders and resources, but it didn’t seem too important. Neither did all of the shade environmentalists have been tossin’ (is that the correct verb to use with shade?) at them, saying stuff like “You weak, pathetic fools! Don’t you know that we need renewable energy?”

The fact remains, Portland has an electricity problem, and PGE plans to have it solved, or well on its way, within five years. They’ve even calling it a “five-year plan,” which… carry the 2…. it seems accurate.

So there you have it. You asked for content, I delivered something that could technically be called content. I like what we’ve got going on here, readers. Maybe it’s time to take this relationship to the next level?

Yes, this is getting weird because I haven’t slept.

Tillamook’s Deadly Tourist Trap
I recently saw an ad with a beautiful night sky and a vintage trailer being pulled along a calming roadway. What the ^&%@#! is this wonderful &%@# place, I thought to myself? I clicked the link, and it took me to http://tillamookcoast.com.

Apparently in Tillamook you can “Bike, Hike & Ride Fish, Clam & Crab, Birds & Wildlife, Paddle & Surf, Food & Drink, Arts & Culture, Scenic Drives & Views, Tours & Adventures, Events & Festivals.” Nevermind the grammar issues, what the hell do they mean you can Ride Fish? Oh wait, sorry, left a comma out.

Anyway, the site shows a surfer near a giant rock, and additionally offers up all kinds of events, restaurants, some villages (probably complete with human sacrifice) and even a blog (lol, a blog). It looks great, but there’s something missing…

Oh, that’s right, ALL THE ^$#@D*MN CHEESE AND A DEADLY WIND THAT IS MORE COW THAN AIR. None of the people in their beach shots are wearing gas masks, so either it was Suicide Cult weekend, or it’s all a lie. One, big, cheesy lie.

“You want it, we’ve got it.” is the local motto. Just be sure if you stop in there for gas, you don’t get got.

Where Have All the Salmons Gone?
This last weekend Oregon fishery managers put a new catch and release doohickey on hold because the water conditions “are all weird and crap,” and they’re not sure what’s going to go down. To clarify their inelegance: as you may have noticed, it’s a little colder than predicted. Water flow is also above average. Wing, dang and a doodle later, we’ve got only just over 25,000 of the expected 160,000 Chinooks being spotted at the Bonneville Dam.

Are the fish being delayed by the flow, are they just late, or could it be aliens? Officials don’t seem to be worried, saying the counts were fine… but were they? Are they lying to us in some kind of massive cover up? The truth could be stranger than fiction. It likely isn’t, I’m just saying that to make this more interesting.

Let Down by Science
While we’re on the topic of salmon, have you ever heard of the Salmon Cannon? Shoulder mounted, nuclear powered. Pop a salmon in and FPHWOOOUMP, right through five feet of concrete at 1,000 yards. Unfortunately, no.

As it turns out, this is just a device designed to help the salmon. It’s basically a big, sort of suggestive-looking tube that sucks them up and over dams, so they can travel without having to expend a ton of extra energy. Pretty cool, but far lamer than expected.

At least the company that made it is called “Whooshh Innovations.”

By Johnny Beaver

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