As the State Turns

Their choice to create a new crayon based on YlnMn Blue, or Mas Blue—the semi-recentish discovery by OSU chemist Mas Subramanian. “Based,” of course, is the key word here, because it won’t actually be derived from that pigment. This is likely due to cost, as the new blue contains some elements that are harder to come by than, say… carbon. Or potatoes. Not that I can afford the latter right now either.

Anyway, some people reporting on this failed to mention this fact, but the real crime is that so few outlets are reporting the real news: those bastards at Crayola are retiring Dandelion, the yellowest of all yellows. Thanks, Mas! The march of progress my a*s. What the hell am I supposed to use for my suns and blond hairdos now, jerks? Frickin’ “yellow?” I think not. I guess there just won’t be a sun anymore, and all of my brunette stick people will die off because the crops will fail. Goodnight, Tim. Goodnight, Gunther. Goodnight, Lion Scorpion. Goodnight, Purple Jewel Ranger. Goodnight, John Boy.

Forever.

::cough:: Crayola is currently taking name suggestions via www.crayola.com/splash/promos/newblue. I hope some of you Corvallisites will get on board and offer up some good suggestions, like “Death to Dandelion,” “Dammit Why’d You Have to Kill Dandelion,” or “Blue Dandelion.” No? At least it’s better than one I saw: “Cobalt.” Cobalt is its own chemical element, you damn fool! They also already had a Cobalt crayon. This person must have home-schooled with Betsy DeVos.

In memoriam of fallen crayon colors: Maize, Lemon Yellow, Blue Gray, Raw Umber, Green Blue, Orange Red, Orange Yellow, Violet Blue, Blizzard Blue, Magic Mint, Mulberry, Teal.

One last thing for you artists out there: Once upon a time they did hold a “Save the Shade” vote, and people chose to give a pass to Burnt Sienna. When an essential neutralizer survives, hope survives.

Small Towns Around Oregon: ‘Oh ‘Clips!’
Because of the eclipse? It’s supposed to sound like “Oh sh*t!”

Anyway, Oregon small towns in the eclipse “zone” are expecting a people-pocalypse of sorts toward the end of summer when that big ol’ fancy cosmic thing goes down. To repeat the same stuff you’ve already heard a thousand times: campgrounds and hotels are booked, and… No, that was it.

Thank goodness I’ll have relocated by then, so see you later, suckers! Have fun parking. It’ll be like the Beavers won 30 games at once.

Meet Troy Ferguson, the Guy with the Crappiest Job Outside of Sean Spicer
Speaking of suckers, a staffer for Greg Walden scrambled to explain away the modifications to the pre-existing conditions clause found in the new American Health Care Act in a meeting with cranky demonstrators last week. You know that act, right? The one that all of those a*sholes in Congress passed? Yeah, that one. The law so broken that even those who voted for it think so.

Unfortunately, “You only pay more if this and this and this and this happens” doesn’t sound that great. I think he would have honestly been better off just doing a little dance. Or better yet, repeating that scene in Animal House when Blutarsky is trying to cheer up Flounder after his brother’s 1964 Lincoln gets wrecked. Appropriately, that car goes on to be renamed the Deathmobile.

No, but seriously, we’re all looking forward to this bill passing in the Senate, right? I’m honestly sick and tired of this whole “affording healthcare for the first time in a decade” thing.

Oregon ’s Hepatitis
It’s true, we love it! Recent numbers show that our fine state is now number one in the country for hepatitis C-related mortality. With 6 deaths per 100,000 as the U.S. average, Oregon drops the mic with 15 per 100,000—that makes for over 500 a year. Our infection rate is also—coincidentally, of course—double the national average.

Hepatitis C spreads through blood and wiped out more people in 2013 than over 50 other diseases combined, blowing right by stuff like HIV and pneumococcal disease. It’s a major problem, reportedly costing over $40 million a year in treatment.

So why is Oregon having such a problem? Good question.

Nobody knows. And actually, that is the official response. Coupled with some classic “There are no resources to figure it out.”

And on that note, enjoy your day!

By Johnny Beaver

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