As the State Turns

Serial Spanking: Washington 1, Oregon 0
Something I’ve learned since moving back here in 2008 has been that Oregonians generally love their state. In fact, the only people I know that don’t, think Florida sounds like a great place to live. And if that’s not a candidate for an update to the classic definition of insanity, I don’t know what is. Florida smells like garbage and low tide had a baby, and it farted. Speaking of which, the food is terrible, too. But I digress. (Do I?)

Let’s think about a less extreme example: Washington. We all kinda like Washington, right? Well, it’s pretty similar. There’s trees. And some other stuff. But one thing Washington has that solidifies my gladness for Oregon residency is the recent “serial spanker” that turned himself in on live TV.

Oh yes, 28-year-old Washington resident Jonathan Smith showed up at the KHQ TV headquarters (one of those dumb stations we don’t watch here), and subsequently outed himself as a serial spanker, then apologized to his victims over the course of five solid, blubbering minutes. Apparently this guy slapped dozens of a*ses along a popular hiking trail near Spoke. He cried on air, and claimed the acts were “daring” and “not malicious.”

Look, I know. We’ve got a lot of weirdos here (just check out the farmers’ market, or pay a visit to Medford), but at least this guy is some other state’s problem. Earth Day may be over by the time you’re reading this, but right now I’m feeling pretty thankful that I live on a patch of land in a different place on Earth than The Spokane Spanker.

Not that I wouldn’t be flattered.

ICE Policy Kicking A*s in Oregon
Trump’s recently pumped-up immigration police have been kicking in doors and taking names. The new hardcore stance of the agency and the dumb policy wave they’ve been riding have been especially effective in Oregon as of late: people have started deporting themselves. If I wasn’t so unsure of how cool or uncool the phrase “daaaaaayum!” is at the moment, I’d have just said it by itself, without this awkward sentence explaining my thought process.

According to a recent report by Oregon Public Broadcasting, some people have been experiencing so much stress and fear over ICE raids that they’ve just been packing their bags and heading back from whence they came. Scaring the sh*t out of people is certainly one way to get the job done. Good job, ladies and gentlemen… I’m sure this policy will promote the long-term health of our culture.

You know what I’d like to do? Deport Trump and his gang to Washington and set The Spokane Spanker loose on them.

Go Take a Hike
That’s the advice given by a recent Oregon State University study. The findings? Being outside and doing outside things is good for your general health and well-being. Published in The Journal of Environmental Psychology, this study found that people who engage in this sort of crap are generally better off.

This would be a good time to question whether or not victims of The Spokane Spanker fared as well, but I won’t do it. Forget I just said that.

Also worth mentioning, the study conveniently forgot to test whether or not people who hate mud and bug bites would be better off or more miserable if they were forced to go outside. Personally, I really like my couch, and find Netflix to be a lot more rewarding than a near-death experience with a river lobster.

Roseburger Excited About Eastwood Opportunity
Oregon National Guard member and Roseburg resident Alek Skarlatos, as well as some of his friends, are heroes. Back in 2015, they took on a gun- and blade-wielding terrorist on a train to Paris, successfully clobbering the guy. All three received medals from then-president Barack Obama (my God, how we miss you, sir…), and now will be featured in a Clint Eastwood flick about their exploits.

The film, which continues the current Eastwood trend of turning real-life heroic acts into blockbuster films, has yet to be cast. However, rumor has it that there’s a three-way battle for the role of the villain between a rocking chair, a collapsible camping lounger, and a foot stool. Too soon?

Amazing Meteor Shower Visits Oregon Skies, and You Missed It
Comet Thatcher hasn’t come around since 1861, but last Saturday was a great chance to see some of its “Lyrids,” or in layman’s terms, “little bits flying off of it.” There’s something primordially amusing about giving you this news several days late, and so there you have it.

By Johnny Beaver

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