As the State Turns

Iguana Rescued from House Fire
I honestly tried to think of a better headline for this, but the story sort of sells itself. There was a fire call in Pendleton last week and a 20-pound iguana named Butthole Poop Turdface the Third was pulled out by some dudes in fireman gear before he could be roasted alive. In a photo posted on Oregon Public Broadcasting’s website, crew members are seen delivering oxygen to the beleaguered reptile. And that’s about it.

Two Out of Forty Ain’t Bad
Finally: Malheur turd-hole occupiers Darryl Thorn and Jason Patrick were just convicted in relation to their role in the thing I’m quite sure you already know I’m talking about. Let’s just pretend that’s a coherent sentence.

Patrick was found guilty of conspiracy, but not of firearms, while Thorn was found guilty of both. Two other a*shats, Jake Ryan and Duane Ehmer, were found not guilty of both charges. This is likely because they were determined to be too stupid to even know why they were there. How these people are able to breathe, science has not yet determined. Soon we might need to turn to religion.

Many of us are glad to hear that some sort of punishment is being meted out, but in the grand scheme of things it’s just a drop in a big ol’ bucket. Pretty embarrassing. Prosecutors say they have learned some lessons, and let’s hope so, eh?

Wizards Cast Spell on Trailblazers
I’ll be honest, I don’t care about sports all that much. I’ve been to a few World Cup games and enjoyed it on the crappy television I owned while living overseas, but as soon as the excitement died down over Zinedine Zidane’s Headbutt of Doom, I checked out. That said, I’m really, REALLY into Wizards. And the Wizards, who are from some city in the United States, wiped the floor with the Trailblazers, winning by a single, massive point: 125 – 124. When was this game, where was this game? I’m pretty sure it was sometime during the day or evening, and likely on a major basketball court.

Also, I want to mention that this one guy had a sweet beard and kind of a mohawk. I don’t understand the double sock thing, though. Maybe his feet are stank. Or maybe he has tentacle feet because he pissed the Wizards off and they were just like, “Now you’ve pissed us off,” and dragons were flying around and stuff. Hell yeah.

Maybe I do like sports.

Want a Piece of Grimm History?
Well, too bad. The sale is over. You’ve lost your chance at Monroe’s wig, or something.

Last week well over 1,500 Grimmers (a term I just made up that nobody, anywhere, uses to describe Grimm fans) waited in line to buy up random crap from the set. A 40,000-square-foot warehouse was emptied into their grubby hands, including clocks, signs, pillars, and all sorts of other stuff. Maybe that “witch hat” (i.e. magic bong) that was so popular when it came to like… you know, that thing when one person would change into another, and then got pregnant and it was like OH NO, IT WASN’T HER, IT WAS HER.

Grimm is estimated to have forked over as much as $250 million to the state economy, and TV experts say that TV isn’t done here. We still have Portlandia, which is funny. And The Librarians… but we don’t talk about that piece of sh*t.

Street Sweeper Stolen in Hillsboro by Total Amateur
Last Sunday a street sweeper was stolen in Hillsboro, as the headline suggests. Police chased it at relatively unimpressive speeds (give or take 30 mph). This was at around 3:30 a.m., and like a true amateur, the thief didn’t turn on the sweepers. I mean seriously, you’re going to steal a street sweeper… and not sweep? Dammit, dude. What a wasted opportunity. You poor, dumb bastard.

Eventually the chase came to an end as the sweeper ran over a spike strip. Idiot almost had a great tale for his grandchildren. But I suppose at least Hillsboro produced someone who would do such a thing. You hear that, Corvallis? It’s time to graduate from parking poorly and making left-hand turns into the wrong lane. And on the latter, I’m serious. Please stop doing that.

By Johnny Beaver

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