As the State Turns

stateturnssymbolSeaside Standoff Ends with Little Fanfare
I’m not sure how one could reasonably refer to an armed standoff as ending “peacefully,” but that’s just what happened in Seaside, according to police. After three days and a number of gunshots, a man in some house (hey, the details are slim right now) called 911 and let them know he wanted to leave without being shot. Totally reasonable.

The man’s mother was in the house at the onset, but left unharmed after the coppers first arrived on the scene. In the end, nobody was hurt, and the boys in blue reported using several de-escalation tactics successfully.

With nutters running all over the place killing people, it’s nice to know it doesn’t always have to end badly.

The Hills Are Alive… with the Sound of Litigation
President Barack Obama was a busy guy. During his administration he did a great many things—and a lot of them are now under attack. Nope, not talking about the Affordable Care Act here (for once), but an expansion to a 65,000-acre national monument in the south of the state known as Cascade-Siskiyou. Obama’s action added 48,000 more acres—something praised by Oregon state Senators Ron Wyden and Jeff Merkley, as well as many environmentalists.

Apparently not everyone was happy, though, and now a timber industry group is railing on about how Obama’s move could be considered an abuse of power under the 1906 Antiquities Act. According to the American Forest Resource Council, several thousands of these acres had been previously handed over for logging purposes. Who knows, maybe they’re right.

After reading into the matter more, it seems as if there are far too many people claiming that their take on the whole shebang was based on an “impression” of the law, rather than any sort of clear understanding. As I’m sure you are painfully aware, whenever this sort of language starts getting tossed around we’re in for a barrel of laughs—and by that I mean a huge, disastrous mess. I guess it’s good that I’m in the business of huge messes.

I look forward to updates as people inevitably go to war over about 7,000 acres of trees.

This May Come as a Shock…
But apparently in this country, people have rights. Even immigrants! I know, right? Who would have thought. Even crazier, people care about said rights. In fact, on Saturday the 14th about 400 of those people showed up on the capitol steps in Salem to say something to the effect of “Hey, Oregon gives a crap about the people that live here, Trump or no Trump.”

Causa, an immigrant rights organization based here in Oregon, was on the scene to show support to a group of people that feel especially threatened with Donald Trump on the way to the Oval Office. I can’t imagine why—I mean, Donald Trump is the smartest man on Earth. I’m sure his loudmouth call to deport over 11 million undocumented people, as well as his ridiculous plan to build a wall along the Mexican border… well, they couldn’t negatively affect anyone from that group.

Hey. If Trump can just make stuff up as he goes, so can I.

Speaking of an Incoming Trump
Yep, that inauguration is tomorrow. Now, despite the fact that he couldn’t get anyone actually good to provide entertainment at the event, or even get some of the more respected Republican leaders to show up, I’m sure at least it’ll blow up the television ratings, right? Well, there’ll be two less viewers—Earl Blumenauer and Kurt Schrader of Oregon democratic representative fame. That’s right, they’re refusing to even watch it on TV. Now that’s cold.

That last phrase doesn’t really work without a vocal inflection. Oh well, deal with it. If you were watching me on TV this wouldn’t be a problem. Anyhow, Schrader used “ass,” one of my favorite words (that gets censored if I use it, but not if it’s in a quote), in his statement about the whole thing. I guess that makes up for democratic state Senators Jeff Merkley and Ron Wyden’s attendance to the horror ball itself. Though if you ask me, Ron Wyden poops rainbows, so he’s OK in my book. I don’t have a book. Lying is infectious, I guess.

Representative Peter DeFazio said he wasn’t going either, but not to think much of it because he never does. Damn, he’s cool.

OSU Students Rejoice Over Missed Days
In cries of joy heard the state over, students missed a bunch of class last week due to Oregon State University weather closures, as well as instructors and professors alike who were stuck up in Portland for several days after due to heavy snow in the area. Granted, I drove up there anyway because in the art department, we’re hardcore and stuff. West side and all that.

 I don’t really know what that means. I’m sorry. You can go now.

By Johnny Beaver

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