Trump the Third Assumes Power in Empty Country


Trump CatFollowing the recent death of our esteemed leader, King Donald Trump II, our empire eagerly prepares for the commencement ceremony installing our new monarch to the throne – Donald Trump III. The death of King Trump II was tragic but not unexpected, as congenital heart defects plagued him his whole life, thanks to his father’s incestuous affair with his daughter Ivanka (in order to keep the royal family’s bloodline pure.) Thankfully, Donald Trump III was born with no heart defects, but has demonstrated a remarkable lack of speech acquisition and social dysfunction, as well as some rather charming facial deformities. No matter, the bloodline remains pure, and our empire remains strong.

The passing of the crown has given rise to dissenting opinions both inside and outside the Great Wall of Trump, as many saw the early death of our second king as portending change and reform. Imperial Managers have been dispatched to quell any dissent or possible rebellion. These ungrateful plebeians are demanding for an end to the monarchy that Donald Trump I initiated, and are calling for more food, water, and access to medical care (as Trump initiated strict protocols to keep them at just above starvation level.)

The usual methods of dealing with such dissent have started to fail as of late, as there are hardly any people left inside the country to blame for the conditions of poverty anymore. After the Great Wall of Melania Great was erected in 2020, the empire almost immediately kicked the Muslims out, followed a few years later by all black or brown people, all politically educated people, and eventually all non-white non-Christian people. By 2040, our great empire was populated solely by uneducated white Goldhair Club members. While an incredible accomplishment in its own right, the Trump royal family has run out of people to blame for its problems, and is currently considering various options. As fun as it is to demonize poor people, we must have a workforce, which puts us in a tricky position. If you have any creative ideas of who we can demonize next or have a suggestion for who to bomb next, please contact the paper and we will forward your suggestions on to the royal family.

By Jeriah Bowser

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In : News


  1. John

    How is this classified as news? This is an opinionated hit piece with little basis in reality or fact.

    • JohnnyBeaver

      For your sake, I hope you’re joking. This entire issue was plainly stated satire.

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