Lookin’ for love this Valentine’s Day? You may have just missed it walking down 9th Street, but not to worry, there’s a place where you can find even the most obscurely misplaced connection… whether or not you were ever aware that it existed in the first place.
Someone may have seen you “standin’ in the street Saturday” and admired your a*s… or noticed that you were “smokin’ hot” during your shift at McDonald’s… or even done a “double take at WinCo” when you were pushing your cart to your car, but if you don’t read the Missed Connections section on Craigslist, you’ll never know. Who woulda thought that the Mid-Valley is so full of lost souls that can’t seem to find one another.
To save you some time and help you make sense of it all, we’ve identified some distinct categories of Missed Connection contributors.
The Amateur Erotica Writer
Most of these missed connections happen in the booths in the back of the Adult Shop, and some connections aren’t so missed, thanks to the glory hole in one of those booths in Albany. These tend to be graphic to say the least, and even slightly educational.
The Mystery Author
There’s vague and then there’s wtf-are-you-talking-about. If you read a Missed Connection ad and have no idea what you just read, you’re not alone. None of these people will ever find the person that completes them if this is their only approach.
The Hopeless Romantic
A lot of these connections were missed a decade and many failed relationships ago, but they’re looking for “the one that got away” and apparently have no other resources. So if you met someone one time at a restaurant while you were married 12 years ago, and are no longer married and are hoping that the person that you met that one time is still looking for you, you might want to check the Missed Connections section.
The Imaginary Friend
We have no doubt that the majority of these “missed connections” are completely one-sided. Most people are not going to remember the person who put the divider down for them in the grocery checkout line, or the “college-looking kid” getting a fountain drink at Subway when you were having lunch. These people may have too much time on their hands and too little going on in their love lives.
The Passive Aggressor
This category consists of people that haven’t actually missed each other, but instead wish to anonymously call out angry ex-lovers, baby-daddies, or rejected friend-zoners. “How could you?” seems to be the theme here, with heaping piles of accusations and a side of insults.
You won’t be alone if you’re home alone this Valentine’s Day, and with this primer for the appreciation of Missed Connections, you’ll need no rom-coms for while you chow down on that pint of Ben & Jerry’s this Feb. 14.
By Hannah Darling