Corvallis is planning several “upgrades” to city parks to the tune of $1.7 million. Due to the fact that plans mention nothing about a beer fountain, adult ball pit, or massive water slides, I’m choosing to call it “The Old People Upgrade.” New toilets, patios, pathways, and some playground rebuilds to keep the kids busy while we mosey about with our iPhones ringing, not sure how to answer them.
I started to read something about tons of interest in Corvallis’ steering committee, but I fell asleep before I got to the punchline. Thankfully I was roused just moments before I would normally begin drooling with news that visitors to the Gazette-Times website have overwhelmingly chosen Bruno Mars’ performance as their favorite of the Super Bowl Halftim… ::snores::
A 31-year-old dude with a ridiculous-looking hairpiece (either that or his barber was going for something post-apocalyptic prisony) was recently tossed in the Benton County lockup for poking around at his Johnson while asking two 13-year-old girls for a sexual encounter at the Corvallis Transit Center. And of course he was from Brownsville, so perhaps he thought the girls were sheep. What I’m trying to say is that they do that out there, so I can get an enraged letter next week from someone who took me seriously.
A mountain troll of a man freaked out in Alsea on Feb. 18 and broke a car window with a hammer either before or after head-butting some woman. I have been unable to confirm the rumor I am literally starting, right here in this sentence, that he also had on Guy Fieri underwear and tried to eat the tire off of a wheelbarrow.
The Lebanon Log: On Feb. 17 a driver in Lebanon took out an entire honest-to-goodness power pole, complete with live wire flipping about all willy-nilly, after smashing an SUV into it. Officially blaming it on distracted driving, the Linn County Sheriff’s Office has cited one Mr. Dylan Sowers of California (go figure) as the result of his admission that he was busy trying to get candy off of the floorboard when the accident occurred. Whatever it was, I hope it was delicious. And my compliments to the totally fabricated “went off the road in heavy rains” bit of sensationalism offered up on the topic by the Lebanon-Express. Checked the weather reports, bro… 0.43 inches for the entire day. Heavy rain isn’t an accurate term until you’re over 0.30 per hour. In your damn faces!
By Johnny Beaver